Correspondence
by dress without sleeves
Summary: MWPP era. The seventh year Gryffindors write one another during the summer, with conspiracies, owls named after genital diseases, bizarre acronyms, and...love? And just what DO the professors do when there are no students to monitor them?
1. Meet The Gryffindors

**Author's Note:** Okay, since I can't really do it in the story, I am going to give a brief outline of the character's relationships with one another.

_Arabella Figg Jr. (mentioned first):_ Arabella Figg is the daughter of: you guessed it, Arabella Figg, who is the squib in the 5th book. Her friends call Arabella 'Bella', so if you need something else to be able to tell the difference between the two, her mother is always 'Arabella', while Bella is _usually_ 'Bella.' Bella is the best friend of Alice Callahan (Longbottom) and Lily Evans.

_Alice Callahan:_ Alice, nicknamed 'Al' 'Ally' and 'Muffin', is the best friend of Lily Evans and Bella Figg.

_Lily Evans:_ Oh, come on. We all know who Lily Evans is.

_James Potter:_ …Ditto.

_Remus Lupin:_ Obviously, we all know Remus.

_Peter Pettigrew:_ His back story in this fic is actually interesting, so look out for the pieces of it that come in his letters, the most obvious being the correspondence with Remus in the beginning.

_Arabella Figg, Sr.:_ Mentioned later in this fic. She is Bella Figg's mum. She is also a Squib.

_Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Sprout, And Poppy Pomfry:_ I don't really need to elaborate on these. Although you _do_ see a different side to Dumbledore and McGonagall.

_Henry McKinnon:_ Potion's Master.

_Hestia Jones_: A sixth-year Hufflepuff.

_Andromeda Black:_ Married young, but has not yet had Tonks. She is an Auror.

_David and Linda Potter:_ James' parents.

_Sheryl and Paul Callahan:_ Alice's parents.

So there you go. Enjoy!

**Chapter One- Correspondence Between Highly Hormonal Teenagers **

Lovely Lily,  
Lily! Happy birthday, dear! You're seventeen today, and what a _lovely_ day it is. Afro has your gift…it's in the box.

I hope you enjoy it-it took me a bit to find, but I think you'll enjoy it. You know, being a pureblood and all. I hope I got the right size batteries!

See you at the Platform…you're welcome to sit with me.

Er, that is, us. The Marauders. And…yeah.

Happy Birthday!

Sincerely,  
Jazzy James

* * *

Potter. _Leave. Me. Alone. _

The flashlight was very...erm…thoughtful. I'm sure you worked very, very hard to find it. So thanks, I guess.

I'll be sitting with my own friends on the way to Hogwarts, thanks.

And it's _Evans. _

E  
P.S. "Jazzy James"? Work on your alliteration, Potter.

* * *

Arabella-  
MAKE. HIM. STOP. I'm not even kidding this time. James Potter is going to drive me completely round the bend. 

He gave me a _flashlight_ or my _birthday._ Delivered by an owl name Afro.

HE NAMED HIS _OWL_ AFTER A HAIR STYLE! THAT IS NOT NORMAL!

L

* * *

Alice,  
So, apparently Lily got a flashlight from her birthday from James and was somehow offended by this. As usual, her knickers are twisted into insanely complicated knots. 

I sense denial.

Bella  
P.S. Apparently, James' owl is named "Afro". Do you know anything about this?

* * *

Arabella,  
Our best friend is mad, dear. I suspect conspiracy.

It might be fun to help out poor James…he's hopeless, really. And Lily might get angry, too! She's so _funny_ when she's irritated.

On another note, how has your summer been?

Alice  
P.S. Yes. It's short for "Aphrodite", but was called "Aphro" up until Peter spelt it wrong, using the excuse that he was intentionally distorting the name. He's a Muggle born, you know.

* * *

Alice,  
My summer has been lovely. I went to the States with Mum and Dad, as you know. There were many eatable, sun-tanned boys to ogle. And perhaps sleep with.

I mean…_what_?

All right, so, shall I write James, then? Or will you? Oh, this is going to be so much _fun_!

Bella  
P.S. No kidding?

* * *

Bella,  
Your dating habits are really unhealthy. You know this, yes? And where did you go? California, right?

No, I'll write James. I live closer anyway. Less work for poor old Herpes.

Al

* * *

Alice:  
I'm sorry, did you just call your owl _Herpes_? 

Bella

* * *

Bella,  
Of course I did. That's his name.

Al

* * *

Al,  
Uhm. Why, dare I ask?

Bella

* * *

Bella,  
Because that's what my mother decided to name him, in memory of Malaria and West.

Al

* * *

Al,  
West…?

Bella

* * *

Bella,  
…Nile Virus.

Al

* * *

Al,  
You are sick, woman. Sick.

Bella

* * *

James-  
Alice here. Arabella and myself have decided to help you out. First off, send Lily an apology letter, insisting that the flashlight was just a joke. Then send her an Eric Clapton record. You should be moved much lower on her shit list that way.

Alice Callahan  
P.S. Give my love to your Mum!

* * *

Alice-  
…I've tried to recruit the pair of your for SIX YEARS NOW. Why the sudden change of heart?

James  
P.S. thanks for the advice. I took it.  
P.P.S. Mum gives her love, too. The chocolates are for you. Apparently you like nuts?

* * *

James-  
She remembered, the dear! I LOVE nuts! Your nuts especially. I guess the Potters are just good at breeding them, huh?

And the reason we are helping is because we want to make Lily angry. It's fun.

Alice  
P.S. It occurs to me that the 'nuts' thing could be taken completely out of context.

So don't.

Take it out of context, I mean. There was nothing sexual about my complimenting…er…your nuts. I meant the food. Not the _actual… _

Yes, well. You know what I mean.

**Correspondence of Two Teenage Boy With Too Much Free Time **

Sirius,  
Girls are mad. All of them.

Thought you ought to know,  
James

* * *

James, why are you writing me? I'm in the bedroom beside yours.

Sirius

* * *

Yes, but this is more fun. And I don't have to walk.

* * *

All right then. So why are girls mad?

* * *

Oh, no reason. Feed Afro.

* * *

Feed Afro yourself, you dunce. I'm busy.

* * *

Doing _what_? Playing with your hair?

* * *

Well, yes, actually. I'm trying to get it messy, like yours. Mine looks good most of the time, if I just let it hang to about my shoulders, but yours always has the windswept thing that girls love.

* * *

It's natural. Otherwise I'd tell you my secret.

But seriously. Feed the owl.

* * *

Feed the owl yourself!

* * *

You're closer!

* * *

Am not!

* * *

Are so. You're a room away. I'm _two_ rooms away.

* * *

…Damn. I am closer. 

**Correspondence of Two Teenagers With Slightly Less Free Time **

Peter-  
Hey, mate. Haven't heard from you in a bit. How is your Dad? Any progress?

Remus

* * *

Remus-  
No. Dad walked out. Apparently I am freakish.

How was Sicily?

Peter

* * *

Pete-  
What! Peter, you are _not_ freakish! If he doesn't appreciate you for you than he isn't worth anything anyway, all right? I don't care if he _was_ your stepfather.

Rem

* * *

Rem-

Woah. First half of that definitely sounded like an after-breakup speech.

And I know he doesn't mean anything. I actually feel a bit…relieved that he's gone. Really.

Once more, how was Sicily?

Pete

* * *

Pete-  
You cannot be fine about this. He's your father, for the love of Merlin! Do you want us to hunt him down and kill him? It can be done. Slowly and painfully.

How is your mum holding up?

Rem

* * *

Rem-  
Nah, don't bother. He's not worth it.

Mum hasn't spoken since he walked out. Won't eat or buy food either. A great way to shed a few pounds.

No, I kid you not. I have seriously lost weight.

So…what? Did you not go to Sicily?

Pete

* * *

Pete-  
WHAT? SHE'S STARVING YOU?

This is an emergency-food will be along shortly.

Rem

* * *

Rem-  
Actually, I'm enjoying the whole losing-weight-thing, but food is worth gaining it all back. ;)

Oh, no. Did you join a cult while on vacation? Is that why you are avoiding the Sicily question?

Peter

* * *

Pete-

Sicily was wonderful. They had pretty gondolas.

Rem

* * *

James and Sirius,

Long story short: Peter's dad walked out, calling him a 'freak'. His mother is devastated and has said nothing since he left, and is starving both herself and Peter.

Send along emergency food to me and I'll forward it to Peter.

Remus  
P.S. And, by the way, both of you: DO. NOT. EAT. ANY. OF. IT. Your friend is starving; remember that.

**Correspondence of Multiple Hormonal Subjects **

Remus-  
Here's the food you asked for. We'll send letters to Peter immediately.

J & S  
P.S. Hey, we can't help it if Afro picked at the food!

* * *

Peter-  
Hey, mate. Remus told us about your dad…we sent him some food, which he'll send to you. Wouldn't be surprised if he ate some of it, too, the greedy bastard.

Don't feel bad about the whole dad-thing. You're not a freak, you're our best friend. Just thought you should know.

Oh, and we don't want you an more skinny then when he last saw you, all right? We like you chubby.

J & S

P.S. Will Remus tell you anything about Sicily? He was very short with us. We suspect there were women involved.

* * *

James and Sirius,  
Thanks. I'm fine. Really. It's not worth it, you know? To worry about his approval. Because I am what I am, and he needs to accept it or not. So…yeah.

Received food. Promptly regained all weight that I lost.

Gee, thanks.

Pete  
P.S. Remus ate some of the lovely cake your mum baked. Shame on him.

* * *

Pete-  
Yes, well. What can you do? He's our best friend, cake-thief or not.

J&S

* * *

J&S-  
Well, I'll put up with it, I suppose. It's the thought that counts.

Pete  
P.S. You're so not getting away with this. I'm getting the biggest slice on _both_ your birthday cakes.

* * *

Peter-  
What! Why _both_? That's _twice_ as much cake as we took!

A very incensed J &S!

* * *

James and Sirius,  
So it was YOU who took the cake? Honestly, I was referring to all the weight I gained back. But now that you'd admitted it, I think I'll make good that cake promise.

Peter

* * *

Sirius-  
He gets more and more Slytherin-esque everyday.

James

* * *

James-  
Remus has influenced him. He is now very sneaky.

Sirius

* * *

Sirius-  
Duly noted for future reference.

Now, about Sicily…

**The Correspondence of Two Very Opposing Forces, Both of Them too Thick for Their own Good **

Lily Manilly-  
Glad you liked the flashlight, but I was only kidding. I _do_ pay attention in _some_ Muggle Studies classes, you know. Every other Tuesday or so, I tend so zone in for a bit before zoning out again.

What can I say? It's a system.

Anyway, here's your real gift. I was listening to a radio that Sirius and I have been tinkering with-I think we're going to turn it into a sort of…what's the thing Muggles use? Walking-Coffee? Something like that.

Anyway. I heard you humming one of the songs on here, called 'I'm Sorry', and when I checked with Alice she confirmed that you are an Eric Clapton fan.

I hope you don't already have this!

James  
P.S. How much do you hate the name 'Lily Manilly'?

* * *

Bella, Muffin,  
This. Is. Totally. Bizarre.

I just got a letter from Potter stating that, apparently, the whole flashlight thing was - get this - a _joke_, and he sent along with it the _real_ present, which was the_ only Eric Clapton CD that I don't own! _

Of course, I own it now, but I didn't before.

And furthermore, he made _jokes._ Like, _funny _ones. Not stupid, James-Potter ones.

Is the world ending, or am I just high?

Lily

* * *

Lily-

Oh, darling, you set yourself up for that one.

Anyway. I think we should view this as a positive thing. James Potter, acting likeable? Hey, it would be nice if he has a personality to match his dashing good looks.

He's ravishable, you know.

Shag him.

Bella

* * *

Lily,  
I've been telling you that he's a nice bloke for years now.

Really.

Alice  
P.S. Stop calling me Muffin!

* * *

Bella-  
Your dating habits are really, really unhealthy. Thought you ought to know.

Lily

* * *

Al,  
Yes, but it was a stupid idea when you said it.

Lily  
P.S. Muffin. Muffin Muffin Muffin!

* * *

Bella-  
I begin to wonder if she actually _wants_ our input.

Al

* * *

Potter-  
Thank you for the Eric Clapton record! I actually really like it-it was the only one that I don't have yet. Except, I do now, of course. So thanks.

Not that you're any more likeable, or anything. I still think you're an insufferable big head. But it was a nice gesture.

On another note, I think you mean walkie-talkie. Not walking-coffee.

Although it's a rather humorous mental image.

E  
P.S. Call me 'Lily Manilly' to my face and you'll find your family a bit short of jewels, if you catch my meaning.

Have a nice summer!

* * *

**Author's Note:** Well...yeah. Here is the first chapter of a _lot_ of insanity.

Good fun, that.

So anyway. Review. A lot. Because I eat them. They keep me alive. I imagine you could make good money _selling_ reviews...of course, then people would get addicted. And reviews would be outlawed.

Shame.

Anyway. Review.

Seriously.


	2. I Have A Cream For That

**Author's Notes: **You came back for more? If you think you can down it … I had to separate the letters with 'z's because my computer hates me. Very much.

More characters I forgot to add last time:

_Dorcas _Meadows: Seventh year Gryffindor, along with Lily, Bella, and Alice. She is the ONLY OTHER 7TH YEAR GRYFFINDOR. Fyi. ;)

_Bellatrix/Trix: _Bellatrix Black, of course.

_Andromeda Tonks: _Tonks' mother/Bellatrix' sister. She is older than Bellatrix and younger than Narcissa.

_Frank Longbottom:_ Not mentioned in this chapter He's Neville's dad. Not yet, of course, but he will be.

_Violet Milamber:_ Not mentioned in this chapter Will eventually be Lavender's mum. (Did you like the Violet/Lavender thing? Eh? Eh? Eh?) (Oh, and yes, I stole 'Milamber' from James Milamber, the writer. For lack of anything better. My head hurt at the time, okay? Cut me some slack!)

_Worst Enemy:_ Not Mentioned Heh. I'll give you clues, but you have to figure it out.

So, I think that's it. Have fun …

**Chapter Two- I Have A Cream For That**

**The Correspondence of Slightly More Matured Adults on the Correspondence of their Teenaged Counterparts**

Albus,

James Potter and Lily Evans are corresponding this summer. She has admitted to her friends that he has the potential to be an all right bloke.

You owe me twenty galleons, you great pouf!

Minerva

z

Minerva,

I owe you nothing! Your bet was that they would _get together_ by Christmas this year.

You're such a _Slytherin_, Minnie. A _green,_ _Dark-Lord reincarnated _Slytherin. In fact, you ought to go to a Death Eater meeting. You could befriend Tom.

Albie

_Bippity! Bopitty! Boo!_

z

Albus,

You wouldn't happen to know why Minnie barged into my greenhouse yesterday and demanded to know if she acted like the Dark Lord, would you?

Sprout

z

Dear Mr. Dumbledore,

This is a Howler sent to you from Minerva McGonagall with the following message:

GO TO THE DEVIL, YOU BASTARD. I HOPE YOU DIE.

Love from,

Minnie

z

Minnie,

Ouch.

Albus

z

Albus,

Bastard.

MINERVA.

z

"MINERVA",

Snarky bastard-ess.

Albus

z

Mr. Dumbledore,

I regret to inform you that 'bastard-ess' is not a word.

Hah. Wanker.

Ms. McGonagall

z

MINNIE,

I cease to wonder why you never married.

Albus

z

Albus,

I am still trying to figure out why you exist. If you were _my_ son, I'd have killed you long ago.

Minerva

z

Minnie,

Yes, because you are the evil best friend of the Dark Lord.

_My_ parents were rather nice.

Albus

z

Albus,

Call me the best friend of Tom again and I will wrap your dissected spleen around your head like a do-rag. Following this, I shall bind your hands and feet with your large and small intestine. Then I shall cut off the tip of your tongue and stuff your nostrils with it. I will gouge your eyes out with a red-hot poker and force you to choke on your own eyeballs. Then, to perhaps end your misery, I'll rip your heart out with a spoon.

Good day.

Minerva

z

Poppy,

Enclosed is a letter from Minnie to myself.

I feel I must take precautionary measures and am wondering if you might be of assistance.

Albus

P.S. Sometimes I wonder about the staff that I employ. For heaven's sake, this is a school for _children_!

z

Albus,

You need something against spleen dissecting, do-rag admiring, hand-and-feet binding, tongue hating, eye gauging, suffocation-and-blood obsessed Transfiguration professors?

I have a cream for that.

I also have some gum.

Poppy

z

Poppy,

Gum would be lovely. Will you bring some to dinner?

Don't share with Minnie. She is evil.

Albus

z

Poppy,

Rumor has it that you have gum! May I have a piece?

Please?

Minerva

z

Poppy,

Oh! That delightful Muggle sweet! You'll share with me, won't you? Won't you?

Sprout

z

Poppy,

The Fates declare that there shall be the brutal murder of our own Albus Dumbledore if you do not give me some gum!

Myrtle

z

Myrtle,

You read Minnie's letter, didn't you?

Poppy

z

Poppy,

I need some gum for ah...a potion…that I am creating…for medicinal purposes.

Yes.

So, I need some.

Henry

z

Poppy,

My old jaws need exercise. Would you give me some gum?

Flitwick

z

Poppy,

Muggle candy! May I have some? I'd like to see how it works.

Dreadfully clever, those Muggles, don't you think?

Arthur Weasley

z

All Hogwarts Staff (And Arthur Weasley),

False alarm. I don't have any. The pack I found is old and there is nothing left. You must all get over your gum addictions.

I have a cream for that.

Poppy

z

Albus,

I'll forgive you temporarily to inform you of a most dire situation in the school.

Poppy's holding back on us. I think we ought to storm into her classroom, tie her to the door, and steal her gum.

What say you?

Minerva

z

Minnie,

The geese fly at midnight.

Albus

z

Albus,

Merlin, you're right! Of course we can't tie her to the door, she's too fat! A bed, then?

Minnie

z

Minnie,

Er…that's not exactly what I meant, but well spotted.

We go tonight.

Albus

z

Sprout,

I fear for my life. I think Minerva and Albus are plotting my demise, and I HAVE NO CREAM FOR THAT!

Help me?

Poppy

z

Poppy,

Sorry. When faced with both Albus _and_ Minvera, I'm less use than I would be wielding a tulip in the face of the Dark Lord.

Sprout

P.S. Try Miss Andromeda Black, though. She's a lovely girl.

z

**The Correspondence between Slightly More Matured Adults and their Younger Counterparts**

Miss Black,

Hello. This is Madam Pomfry—you remember me, don't you, dear? You always used to come into the Hospital Wing with a broken something-or-other. You really were very clumsy, weren't you?

I just recently received a cream for that.

Anyway, I was wondering if perhaps you could help me. Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall are plotting my demise. Do you have any suggestions?

Madam Pomfry

_Hospital Wing, Second Bed To The Right_

z

Madam Pomfry,

HOW many TIMES have I TOLD you to CALL me ANDROMEDA?

And no more of this 'Black' rubbish. I've married Ted.

That said, I think if you just hand in a badly done essay to McGonagall, it might do the trick.

She and Dumbledore can't be THAT mad.

ANDROMEDA

z

Mrs. Tonks,

Oh. Oh, oh, oh. My _dear_, _innocent_ girl.

You know, I have a cream for that…

Your professors may be well behaved and uptight when students are around to see them, but when the cats are away, the mice must play!

Poppy

P.S. Congratulations on marrying Ted! I always knew he was a nice boy. Although, you ARE rather young. Eighteen, I believe…

z

Poppy (May I call you Poppy?),

MY. NAME. IS. ANDROMEDA.

Well, I'm afraid no Aurors can be spared…but perhaps I can arrange for some students to arrive early? I have connections.

Andromeda

P.S. Send over the cream, please. I'll pay for it if I have to. You must really, I've got to get a hold of this clumsiness.

P.P.S. Oh, get out of the eighteenth century, you old coot.

z

Albus and Minerva,

HA! HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA! TAKE THAT, YOU FIENDS!

THERE IS NO CREAM FOR THIS!

Poppy

z

MRS. TONKS, who is very forward and pushy (I have a cream for that),

Please, do.

Poppy

z

Poppy,

CALL ME 'MRS. TONKS' ONE MORE TIME AND YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!

z

"Andromeda",

Fine! Fine, fine, fine!

You wench!

…

Poppy

z

**Creamy Correspondence**

Minerva, Albus,

Apparently you are better actors than anyone else imagined. Your students ACTUALLY believe you are good, well-behaved, and uptight all of the time!

When, in fact, you are both DEMONS.

I have a cream for that.

Poppy

z

Albus,

Have you ever noticed how much she says 'I have a cream for that'? Do you think she has a cream for EVERYTHING?

Minerva

z

Minerva,

Let's see.

Albus

z

Poppy,

I think I have become pregnant!

Albus

z

Albus!

Oh, dear! I have a cream for that, come IMMEDIATELY!

Poppy

z

Poppy,

I find myself suddenly turned into a man.

Minerva (or Marvin now, rather)

z

Marvin,

I have a cream for that, if you'll come after lunch.

Poppy

z

Poppy,

I AM IN FRANCE AND I CAN'T GET OUT!

Albus

z

Albus,

Oh, don't be stupid. YOU have a cream for that; I gave it to you for Christmas last year. It's in your hat.

Poppy

z

Poppy,

I am a Squib.

Argus Filch

z

Minerva,

Hah! You sent it! I didn't think you had the guts! …Argus is going to kill you.

Albus

z

Argus,

I'm sorry, there are no creams for that.

MADAM POMPFRY. NOT POPPY.

z

Albus,

…Have we found her weakness?

Minerva

z

Minerva,

I shall write Arabella Fig Sr. immediately.

Albus

P.S. She has a lovely daughter though, don't you think? Good friends with Miss Evans…brilliant witch. I've always wondered…Arabella married a Muggle, didn't she?

z

**The Correspondence that Extends the Conspiracy between Slightly More Mature Adults to Massively Hormonal Teenagers and Their Mothers**

Arabella,

I fear I must call upon your services once again. Will you please write Madam Pomfry, telling her of your unfortunate magical status? We are conducting an experiment.

Albus

P.S. How is Arabella, Jr.?

z

Albus,

Bella is well. I shall write Poppy.

Arabella

z

Poppy,

I am a squib.

Arabella

z

Bella!

Darling! I haven't heard from you in so long, dear! Tut, tut, you MUST write me more often…

In regard to your magical status, come to Hogwarts immediately. I have recently developed a cream for that.

Poppy

z

Albus,

…?

Arabella

z

Albus,

She must really hate Argus.

Minerva

z

All Staff,

I wonder about the lot of you sometimes. You are all conniving, evil, demonic, vindictive, and slightly insane.

This is a school for _children_!

Albus

z

Albus,

That's the pot calling the kettle black, that is!

Your Staff (Not including Argus Filch, as he refused to participate.)

z


	3. The Trouble Begins

**Author's Notes:** Uhm. This is me. Updating.

I'm beginning to regret posting the first chapter of TWC. Sigh.

**Angel's Touch**, of course. WHAT would I do without her?

Bella,

Dinner is almost ready. Have your room clean.

-Mum

z

Mum-

Fine. Why are you owling me? We live in the same house!

-Bella

z

Bella,

Convenience purposes. Have you fed Saline?

-Mum

z

Yes, mum. She's fat and happy.

z

Bella,

Good. Now, get dressed in something pretty. We're having company.

-Mum

z

Mum,

Ooooh. What _sort_ of company?

-Bella

z

Bella,

The manly sort. The manly sort and their nephew.

-Mum

z

Mum,

Dad's going to be mad.

-Bella

z

Bella,

Dad's not going to know. Dad's paying me child support every month, and that's it. He is no longer my husband.

Besides, this is less for me as it is for closure. A colleague is coming over for dinner and bringing his nephew. That's all.

-Mum

z

Mum,

In that case, is it a good-looking nephew?

-Bella

z

Bella,

Come down and see. They're here.

-Mum

P.S. Look pretty!

z

Alice, Lily-

We have coommppaannnyy! The _manly_ sort of company! I have to wear something skimpy!

-Bella

z

Alice,

Her dating habits are so unhealthy.

-Lily

z

Lily,

So are yours!

-Alice

z

Alice,

What are you talking about? I haven't had a boyfriend since…fifth year!

-Lily

z

Lily,

…Exactly.

-Alice

z

Bella,

Tell us all about the company.

And then tell _Alice_ that my dating habits are _not_ unhealthy, because I have _more important_ things to think about than James Potter!

-Lily. And Alice.

_Oh, sure, Lily. Add me as an afterthought._

z

Lily—

Why did you automatically think I meant James?

-Alice

z

Alice,

I didn't. I just said. You know. Everyone is always saying what a cute couple we would make. So yeah.

That's all. I hate him. Bastard.

-Lily

z

Bella,

When your company is gone, write me. We need to hatch a plan.

-Alice

z

Bella,

No matter what Alice says, don't believe her.

I have no feelings for James Potter except contempt. And hatred. He is a bastard. A snarky, showoff-y, big headed bastard. The only reason I mentioned him is because he is EVERYWHERE I GO, and therefore inside me.

…Not sexually. I meant inside my brain. Like, on the brain.

But not because I like him. Because I DON'T. I HATE HIM. I hope he DIES.

-Lily

z

Alice,

Who would have thought it would be so easy?

-Bella

_Ask me how dinner went!_

Lily,

Sure. Absolutely. You're right. He's just…_inside of you_ like no one else has ever been.

Clearly.

-Bella

_Ask me how dinner went!_

_z_

Bella,

I hate you.

-Lily

P.S. NO. I will NOT ask you how dinner went, you sadist!

z

Bella,

How did dinner go?

-Alice

z

Lily,

Fine then. I WON'T tell you about the delicious morsel of a man that came to my house and is crazy about—guess who—you! Who goes to Hogwarts and is sooooooooo good-looking I could eat him right up!

-Bella

z

Bella,

…How did dinner go?

-Lily

z

Lily, Alice,

It went wonderfully. James Potter is divine company.

He laughed at the 'inside of you' line.

-Bella

z

Bella,

…

…

…

I.

HATE.

YOU.

You're just as bad as HE is, you BASTARD-ETTE!

-Evans

z

Alice,

She signed her letter 'Evans'. The last time she did that, she wouldn't talk to me for a week and threatened to make a move on Severus Snape.

-Bella

z

Bella,

Yes, well. YOU'RE the one who showed James the letter and then told her about it.

Twat.

I'll talk to her.

-Alice

z

James,

Had a lovely time at dinner last night. My mum adores you. Apparently, you're 'exactly like your father, Bella, when he was your age!'

Why this is a good thing, I don't know, as my father turned out to be an adulterer and a bastard, but whatever.

-Arabella

z

Peter, Remus, Sirius,

I. Am. In. Heaven.

Why, you ask?

Well, the house I went to last night turned out to be _Arabella's_! Number three, Privet Drive. Can you believe it? Isn't that mad? Her mother now adores me and Arabella has been recruited to help with the Lily Project!

…Happy sigh.

-James

z

Remus, Peter, James,

For clarification:

In result of James' dinner at Arabella's:

Lily is no longer speaking to Arabella. Arabella's Mum and James' (MARRIED) uncle are going out for another 'date.' Alice is trying to hatch a plan all by her onesie to get Lily to A) talk to Arabella again, B) stop threatening to date Severus Snape, C) date James, and D) break it to Arabella's mum that her boyfriend is married.

She is having trouble.

This calls for the help of the Marauders.

-Sirius

z

Sirius,

How do you know all that? Are you in contact with Alice?

-Peter

z

Pete,

No, but Frank is. He told me. He seems to find it amusing, actually.

-Sirius

z

Sirius,

Wait, Frank…Longbottom? The Ravenclaw? What is he doing with Alice?

-Wormtail

z

Wormy,

He's got a thing for her, and James' parents are good friends with his. Why do you ask?

-Sirius

z

Sirius,

Because my sources tell me that Remus currently has a thing for one Alice Callahan.

-Peter

z

Peter,

…Uh oh.

-Sirius

z

Alice,

Hey. It's Frank here. I was just wondering if maybe you'd like to go out on Saturday? Just…you know…as friends. Or more, if you like. I mean, whatever. You want.

-Frank

z

James!

Read the enclosed note.

I need to come to your house on Saturday. Don't get me wrong, I like Frank a lot, he's a nice enough bloke, but I really can't have a boyfriend right now. I mean, hello, I have so much stuff going on—you and Lily, Bella and Lily…Remus…

I mean, what?

-Alice

z

Marauders,

Read the attached note.

Remmy. Dear boy. Eat your heart out.

-James

z

Sirius,

Send a letter to Remy and Peter. Tell them to meet us in Hogsmeade on Saturday.

-James

z

Alice,

You're welcome to come on Saturday. Sirius and I are glad to have you.

-James

z

Mum,

Alice is coming over on Saturday. Is that all right?

-James

z

James,

It's fine. I'll make scones.

-Mum

z

David,

James is having that lovely Alice over, along with Remus and Peter. Will you contact Alice's mum and arrange for her and Paul to meet us for lunch? I would like to talk to them about James' budding relationship with their daughter.

-Linda

P.S. …Can you take Sirius to the shed and work on the motorbike Saturday, to give James and Alice some time alone? Thank you, dear.

z

Linda,

Consider it done. I'm rather fond of Alice.

-Dave

z

Poppy,

Hello! How have you been this summer? Listen, I was just wondering if perhaps you could come down for the day on Saturday and help me and Sirius work on the motorbike? I know you hate the thing, but I don't quite trust either of us not to hurt ourselves, as the motorbike is quite temperamental.

You see, James and Alice are undoubtedly entering a relationship and I need them to be alone. Also, what would you recommend for me to do if my brother is having an affair on his wonderful wife with a woman I know? Do I tell the woman? Do I tell the wife? Do I punch my brother?

Yours,

David

z

David, dear,

I'd love to come down this Saturday.

And as for the infidelity problem…I have a cream for that.

-Poppy

z

**A/N:** Yes, well. _I_ like it, anyway. :P


	4. What Really Happened In Sicily

**Author's Notes:** I've so missed Lily and James.

So, yeah. This is the fourth chapter. In which stuff happens. Like…whoa.

Kris. ---Angel's Touch. ---My Godess.

**Chapter Four-What Really Happened In Sicily**

James, Peter, Sirius,

I can't make it Saturday.

-Remus

z

Remus,

WHAT!

-James

z

Moony,

WHAT!

-Sirius

z

Rem,

WHAT!

-Peter

z

J, S, & P,

I'm sorry. I tried to arrange it, but I have a previous engagement that I can't reschedule.

-Remus

z

Alice,

What were you THINKING, mentioning me in your letter? Now they'll try to set us up!

z

Dear Stranger,

I'm sure I don't know what you mean!

-Alice

z

You know who it is, Alice, it's me! Remus! And yes you do!

-Remus

z

Remus,

Well, I did mention you, didn't I?

-Alice

z

You're infuriating, woman.

-Remus

z

Remus.

It'll be funny! Come on. Don't you think it will be funny?

-Alice

z

Remus,

Well? What is so important?

-J&S&P.

Boys,

…Change of plan. I'm coming.

-Remus

z

Peter,

Well, _that_ was weird.

-J&S

z

J &S,

Should we look into this so-called 'engagement'?

-Peter

z

Pete,

Nah. Let's just get him and Alice together and that'll be that. Afterwards we can look into it.

-Padfoot and Prongs

z

Alice,

As your boyfriend, I am permitted to say that you are _extremely_ vindictive.

How is Frank, by the way?

-Remus

z

Remus,

Oh, shut up. He's fine. And _no_, I am not leading him on, nor am I encouraging him.

Getting possessive, you old werewolf?

-Alice

z

Alice,

…When are we planning about telling them about us?

-Remus

z

Rem,

As soon as they ask where I went over the summer.

Sicily really _is_ lovely, isn't it? Rather hot in the evenings, though.

-Al

z

Alice,

And _that_, my dear, was the _worst_ attempt at sexual humour I've ever heard.

And actually, the evenings were just fine. Except when we were under the covers. _Then_ it was a bit warm.

-Rem

z

Rem,

Okay, so, if my mother reads that I am so dead. Am I going to be seeing you Saturday?

-Ally

z

Ally,

Yes, you are. What do we do? Shy? Uncomfortable? Throw ourselves at one another like some heathen ritual?

-Rem

z

Rem,

…

I vote the latter.

-Al

z

Ally,

Shy and uncomfortable it is, then.

See you Saturday, love.

-Rem

z

Lily,

Please, please, please answer me!

-Bella

z

Lily!

I'm not joking! How do I know that some horrible Severus Snape reincarnate hasn't eaten you! For that matter, how do I know that Severus Snape _himself_ hasn't eaten you?

Answer me!

-Bella

z

LILY!

Please! I'm sorry, I was only kidding! Honestly, it's not like you haven't done worse things! James didn't mind! After all, the whole thing was about how much you HATED him, so how could that have made him feel good? He just appreciates good humour, is all!

-Bella

z

Lily Evans,

Please tell your owl to stop sending me Howlers addressed to Arabella Figg.

Thanks.

-Hestia Jones

z

Hestia,

Oh, God! I'm so sorry! Draco Iggy Evan Peter Englebert Timothy Underhill Nathan Ian Anthony is getting a bit on in his years…let me know if happens again.

-Lily Evans (Lily)

z

Lily,

…You _do_ know that your bird's name as an acronym is D.I.E. P.E.T.U.N.I.A?

-Hestia

z

Hestia,

Is it? I hadn't noticed.

-Lily

z

Lily,

I know you're reading this, because I sent it with Herpes. Look, I just want you to know that I am _sorry_. I honestly didn't think it was such a big deal. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

-Bella

z

Figg,

Yes. Attend Severus' and my wedding.

-Evans

z

Alice,

Traitor.

-Evans

z

Bella,

Way to go!

-Alice

z

Alice,

Hey! You were all for it!

-Bella

z

Bella,

Yeah, well, not she's not speaking to_ either_ of us.

And I got a wedding invitation! A FORMAL WEDDING INVITATION TO HER WEDDING. WITH SEVERUS.

We need outside help.

-Alice

z

James, Sirius, Remus, Peter,

We. Need. Your. Help. Badly.

Lily won't speak to either of us and is, apparently, marrying Severus Snape on Sunday.

Can you kidnap her and torture her into submissiveness, or something?

-Alice and Bella

P.S. James, what do you know about my mother insisting that I look 'pretty' on Saturday?

z

Alice, Bella,

Remus and Peter will attempt to reason with her. She likes them.

James and I…not so much.

-Sirius

z

Mum,

Why does Alice have to look pretty on Saturday? Are we going somewhere?

-James

z

Lily,

Hello, it's Remus. I'm just writing to beg you to speak to Alice and Arabella again. They are both absolutely devastated that you won't.

Did you receive the position of Head Girl?

-Remus

z

Remus,

No. I hate them both.

Yes.

-Lily

z

Lily!

Arabella has locked herself in the bathroom and won't come out! She's threatening to slit her wrists if you don't speak to her, and Alice is completely pissed, slurring about suicide.

Help!

A very distressed Peter!

z

Arabella!

Come out of that bathroom! Don't hurt yourself! I'm sorry, I forgive you, I'm not marrying Snape, and please, please, please come to my house on Sunday.

-Lily!

z

Alice,

Put the bottle down and get sober. Then come over on Sunday. I forgive you and Bella…I love you both.

-Lily

z

Bella,

What the…?

-Alice

z

Marauders,

Remus, or Peter?

-B&A

z

Bella, Alice,

Peter.

-Marauders

P.S. Sorry about the whole suicide thing. But it worked, right?

z

Boys,

Apparently, Peter's dad walking out is affecting him more than he lets on. Any ideas?

-Sirius

z

James,

Oh, I guess Alice just wants to look pretty for you!

I'm so excited for both of you. Should I start planning the wedding?

Love,

Mum

z

All of Everyone:

Read the attached message.

Uhm…oops?

-James

z

James,

…Oh dear. I think your mother quite got the wrong message when I told you I thought I'd be seeing a bit more of you outside of classes.

I _meant_ about _Lily._

My mother is so going to die from happiness. She always wanted me to date you, you know.

Of course…then I told her you were gay. But I'm guessing she never mentioned it to your mum.

-Alice

z

Potter, Black, Remus, Peter, Alice, Bella,

I have three words for all of you.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I laugh.

-Lily

z

Bella,

She's so _vindictive_ sometimes, isn't she?

-Alice

z

Alice,

Hey. _You_ attached to her first. I always thought there was something off about her.

I mean, she has the opportunity to have _James Potter_. Without his pants on.

And she passes it up.

Maybe she's sick.

-Bella

z

Bella,

Someday, I am going to sit you down and put you through Sex Ed class.

In the meantime, I'll see you Saturday.

-Alice

z

Alice,

Uh…?

You want to explain that one to me?

-Bella

z

Bella,

If you think I'm going to spend the day with Mrs. Potter—lovely woman, a bit insane—hanging over my shoulder and murmuring about wedding dresses, then you're off your rocker.

-Alice

z

Alice,

Saturday it is.

-Bella

z

Lily,

You're coming on Saturday. It's an emergency.

-Bella

z

Potter,

I regret to inform you that I'm coming to your house this Saturday in a desperate attempt to save Alice from talk of wedding dresses, rings, and nuts.

Make a move on me or mention dating, and whatever points you may have earned from giving me that Eric Clapton record will be swiftly and ruthlessly swiped.

Yours,

E

z

Lily,

_Mine_, E?

I always knew you liked me.

-James

z

Potter,

That's not what I meant!

And my _name_ is _Evans_!

-E(as in Evans)

z

Lily,

LilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLilyLily.

Lily.

Love,

James

P.S. See you Saturday!

z

Alice, Bella,

I am joining a nunnery.

-Lily

z

Mum,

Alice is now bringing along Arabella Figg (Jr.) and Lily Evans on her visit.

You'd better get to work on those scones.

-James

z

Mrs. Potter,

I hope you don't mind if I invite Remus and Peter over this Saturday? James and I thought it might be fun for our whole year to get together.

-Sirius

z

James, Sirius,

Of course that's not a problem!

-Mum

P.S. Sirius, if you're going to live under my roof, you're going to call me Linda. How many times have I told you?

z

Sirius,

So…you know we're dead, right?

Because we are.

Really, really, super dead.

If Bella—lovely girl, highly frightening—doesn't try to jump me, it's because she'll be too busy going after you. And if Lily is here, she will give me the cold shoulder/evil eye. Alice will be constantly dragged off by Mum to be given excited hugs. Remus will be miserable. Peter will find it all hysterically funny, the git.

We fed him!

-James

z

Jamesie,

Whoa, calm down. We can handle it.

We all whisk ourselves off to go to Diagon Alley. Remus and Alice are sent to find a restaurant while Peter and myself hurry into Zonko's. You drag Lily to the Quidditch Shoppe—or Flourish and Blott's if you want to suck up to her—and we're all okay.

-Sirius

z

Siri,

You're mad.

I like it.

And anyway, if I'm going to die, I might as well die kissing Lily.

-James

z

James,

And you think that you'll be kissing Lily because…?

-SiriUS

z

Siri,

Well, because I kiss her and then she'll kill me.

-James

z

James,

Now THAT I'll believe.

Did you miss the capital 'us' in the end of my last letter?

-Sirius

z

Siri,

Course not. I just missed the significance.

-James

z

James,

It means I hate the name 'Siri'.

-Sirius

z

Siri,

And _this_ means I know.

-James

z

JAMIE,

Hah.

-Sirius

z

Siri,

…Bastard.

-James

z

**Correspondance of the Slightly More Attractive Members of the Hormonal Teenagers**

Lily, Bella

…What are you wearing Saturday?

-Alice

z

Alice,

If you think I'm going to engage in this sort of conversation, you're barking.

I'm wearing jeans and the cute green tee that used to be Mom's. Real vintage!

-Lily

z

Lily,

The really, really cute tee? The one with the sparkles and bizarre Muggle cartoons on it?

-Alice

z

Alice,

I'm wearing jeans.

-Bella

z

Bella,

And…?

-Alice

z

Alice,

And…jeans.

-Bella

z

Bella,

Liar. You wouldn't have the guts.

-Alice

z

Alice,

This is true. But it would have been funny.

I'm wearing jeans and my dad's old shirt. The wicked long one. I like it. It's comfy.

-Bella

z

Alice,

Yes. _That_ cute green tee.

Do you have any idea what the Potions assignment for the summer was? I completely lost the assignment sheet.

-Lily

z

Lily,

…Uh, no. I usually copy off of Dorcas. Or Frank.

-Alice

z

Alice,

Shame on you! Copying is _against the rules_! You'll never learn anything if you just use her work, you _dunce_!

-Lily

z

Lily,

Oh, cork it. Like you weren't the one who nipped into her trunk and nicked her essay for Transfiguration when you'd forgotten to write it down!

Hypocrite!

-Alice

z

Alice,

…How did you know about that? I didn't tell anyone!

-Lily

z

Lily,

Uh, except _Dorcas._ Or did you forget the, "Dear Dorcas, I am so _so_ sorry, it's just that I absolutely _needed_ this and you know Bella and Alice are hopeless…so I stole your essay and copied it. I hope you don't mind. Love, Lily," note you left?

-Alice

z

Bella,

Why are we friends with Alice, again?

-Lily

z

Lily,

We could replace her with Dorcas Meadows, but…well. Her name is _Dorcas._ The only thing it shortens to is 'Dorc'.

-Bella

z

Bella,

Hestia Jones is nice. A sixth year…but nice.

-Lily

z

Lily,

Yeah, but Dorcas is wicked smart. Really sharp, too. A bit…how do I put it…morbid.

-Bella

z

Alice,

Bella and I have voted you OUT of the best friend circle.

Sorry.

-Lily

z

Bella, Lily,

Oh, fine. Be that way. I'll just…hmm…I guess I'll go marry Severus Snape!

…It's just not as threatening when I do it. Lily's got that…sincerity when she says it.

-Alice

z

Al,

Aw. Thanks.

But you're still out. Dorcas is in!

-Lily

z

Dorcas,

Hey! Arabella Figg here. How has your summer been? Any good looking guys?

-Arabella

z

Figg.

No.

Why are you writing me?

-Dorcas

z

Lily,

Read the attached.

Uhm…can we get Alice back?

-Bella

z

Dorcas,

Hey, it's Lily Evans. How have you been? My summer has been so, _so_ boring so far.

Listen, I just wanted to apologize for the way we've treated you these past…seven years. I know Bella, Alice, and I have formed our own little…clique, but I hope you don't feel unwelcome.

-Lily

z

Hestia,

What in the name of Seaworld is going on with Lily Evans, Arabella Figg, and Alice Callahan?

Lily has just sent the attached letter.

She's always been nice, I guess. But they're all so…friendly. It's like, Lily is _never_ just mean to people because she's in a mood…she's always helpful…

Her fights with Figg are really funny, though. Sometimes there is violence involved.

-Dorcas

z

Dor,

Has anyone ever told you…you're really morbid.

-Hestia

z

Lily,

My summer has been fine. I've never felt excluded—I don't know if you know or not, but I'm good friends with Hestia Jones. She's a sixth year. Nice girl.

-Dorcas

z

Lily,

I miss you. I can't wait to see you on Saturday.

-James

z

Potter,

Give up.

-Evans

z

Arabella, Alice,

A little help here? What would she want from me?

-James

z

James,

Try…friendship. That might get you points. You're er…a lovely person once a body gets to know you.

…Really, really, really well.

-Alice

z

Lily,

All right. Fine. Can we be friends, then?

Just friends. Yes, that means no dates.

-James

z

Potter,

…Uh.

Who are you and what have you done with Potter?

On a trial basis, I will be friends with you. TRIAL BASIS. If you are a) annoying, b) bastardly, c) begging for castration, or d) bullying, consider our friendship ANNULLED.

-Evans

z

Lily/Evans,

So, as your friends, does this mean I can call you Lily?

-James

z

James,

Psht. Like you don't anyway.

-Lily

z

Bella, Alice,

Am I insane?

Read the attached.

-Lily

z

Bella,

I knew it all along.

It must be love.

-Alice

z

Al,

Yeah, or the desperate need for some James Potter without his pants on.

-Bella

z

Bella,

…I am so telling your mother about this.

-Alice

z

James,

So…about Saturday. Have you noticed that Alice and Remus seem to get close to one another at every possible opportunity?

-Lily

z

Lily,

It has been circulating around the Marauder rumour mill that Remus fancies the pants off of Alice, and vice versa.

Care to help?

-James

z

Sirius, Peter, Remus,

Let it be known that I just wrote a letter to Lily, calling her Lily, and was gratified to find a return letter addressed to _James_ from _Lily._ We are also now officially _friends_.

Do you know what this means!

That she loves me! She loves me, she loves me, she loves me!

I knew it all along.

-James

z

James,

Absolutely! Bella can jump on Sirius and attempt to lead him off into some dark corner, Peter can go into Zonko's, and I can arrange for Dorcas Meadows and her friend Hestia to meet us there and conveniently drag you and I off!

-Lily

P.S. The whole "you and I" think was purely coincidental. I didn't plan it.

Really.

z

Lily,

Of course it was. I completely understand.

Love from,

James

z

Dorcas,

Hello! Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favour? Perhaps if you and Hestia, or whoever you want, really, could meet me and James Potter in Diagon Alley this Saturday around noon? That would be great…thanks.

-Lily

z

Lily,

Uh, sure, I guess.

What for?

-Dorcas

z

Hestia,

Since when is Lily Evans dating James Potter?

-Dorcas

z

Dorcas,

She _is_!

-Hestia

z

Hestia,

Apparently. They're going to be on a date this Saturday and Lily needs me to give them an excuse to escape from their posse.

What do you know about this?

-Dorcas

z

Dorcas,

Nothing…but I've got to get to work.

-Hestia

All Gryffindors, All Years,

It's official! Lily Evans is now dating James Potter!

All betting losses must be sent to Dorcas Meadows or Hestia Jones for distribution. Thank you.

-_Hestia Jones_

z

All Ravenclaws, All Years,

It's official! Lily Evans is now dating James Potter!

All betting losses must be sent to Dorcas Meadows or Hestia Jones for distribution. Thank you.

-_Dorcas Meadows_

z

All Hufflepuffs, All Years,

It's official! Lily Evans is now dating James Potter!

All betting losses must be sent to Dorcas Meadows or Hestia Jones for distribution.

-_Hestia Jones_

z

All Slytherins, All Years,

You slimy, smarmy gits:

It's official! Lily Evans is now dating James Potter!

Send your money to Dorcas Meadows or myself, you prats. And be honest, otherwise you'll all find yourself one berry short of a branch, savvy?

-_Dorcas Meadows_

z

All Hogwarts Staff,

Dear professors, it's official! Lily Evans is now dating James Potter!

Any betting losses must be sent to Dorcas Meadows or Hestia Jones. Thank you for your time! Have a nice summer!

-_Hestia Jones and Dorcas Meadows_

z

Lil,

Did you get the post?

-Alice

z

Lily,

Uhm…either the whole world's gone mad, or there's something you haven't told me.

-Bella

z

James,

…When did _this_ happen!

-Rem

z

James,

No _way_ could this have occurred and you kept your mouth shut.

I share a _house_ with you, you smarmy git! How could you not tell me!

-Sirius!

z

James,

Was she drugged when you asked?

-Pete

z

Lily,

Any idea what any of this is about?

-James

z

James,

It appears that Dorcas got quite the wrong message.

-Lily

z

Lily,

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU LUCKY WENCH!

-Violet Brown

z

Miss Evans, _Invisicopy to Albus Dumbledore_

I was most pleased to find that you have finally accepted James Potter's pleas for a romantic relationship.

My best regards to both of you.

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

_The following is charmed for Albus's eyes only._

_HAH! TAKE THAT, YOU BASTARD! PAY UP!_

z

James,

Congratulations, James! …Copy her homework. You have the right to, now that you're dating and all.

-Frank Longbottom

z

Evans,

It's about time you came to your senses, you insufferable Mudblood idiot. Even I am willing to admit that although he is a Muggle loving moron, James Potter has what it takes to make a woman happy.

-Bellatrix Black

P.S. Tell my blood-traitor of a cousin about this and I'll make sure you SUFFER. SLOWLY.

z

James,

Heard about you and Lily. You ought to go out and get drunk in celebration.

-Finn Finnigan

z

Lily,

Did you know that Finnigan's first name is Finn?

-James

z

James,

His parents must have a sick sense of humour.

-Lily

z

Lily,

Omg! You little _slag_! I cannot _believe_ that you would take James Potter off the market! He is totally in love with _me_, and you had _better_ leave him _alone_, understand?

-YOUR WORST ENEMY.

z

Dear Worst Enemy,

Go jump off of a bridge.

Sincerely,

Lily Evans (Head Girl)

z

Miss Evans, _Invisicopy Minerva McGonagall_

I am most excited for you and Mr. Potter. May your relationship be a long and happy one.

-Albus Dumbledore

_Bippity! Boppity! Boo!_

_The following is charmed for Minnie's eyes only:_

_Go eat Hagrid, you smug wench!_

z

Potter,

Eat shit.

-Snape

z

Trix,

Did you hear about Potter and the Mudblood?

Let's kill them both.

-Severus

z

Sev,

Don't tempt me.

-Trix

z

Meadows,

As you are a Gryffindor, and therefore connected to the Mudblood Supreme, I must request that you get me into the library alone with Lily Evans if this is at all possible. On pain of death.

-Severus Snape

z

Snape,

Bastard. Go to the blazes.

-Meadows

z

Meadows,

Did you miss the 'on pain of death' bit, latched onto the end?

-Snape

z

Snape,

Did you miss the 'go to the blazes'?

-Meadows

z

Meadows,

Damn you!

-Snape

z

Snape,

Who rules hell while you're away?

Why am I still writing you?

-Meadows

z

Trix,

Screw Potter and Mudblood Supreme. We are killing Meadows first.

-Severus

z

Sev,

Whoa, there. Wait for the Dark Lord's consent first!

-Trix

z

Trix,

I…wasn't serious.

…Are you in contact with…?

-Severus

z

Sev,

Have you noticed my arm lately?

I can get you initiated, Severus. Join the Dark Lord. We'll win in the end, and rid the world of Mudblood scum!

-Trix

z

Trix,

Hold that thought while my head finishes spinning.

…Okay, there we go.

Isn't it a bit…gory?

-Severus

z

Sev,

What, are you a nancy boy?

-Trix

z

Trix,

Shove it.

I'm in.

-SevERUS. STOP WITH THE 'SEV' THING.

z

Sev,

Duly noted, Sev. I'll talk to His Lordship, Sev. Isn't the Mark pretty, Sev?

You'll just _love_ Lucius Malfoy, Sev. He's a real doll, Sev. He's also an adulturer, which is fun, Sev. His wife will probably have you…Sev.

-Trix

z

Trix,

Die.

-Severus.


	5. Trouble in Paradise

**Author's Notes:** …It's only been, what, three months?

**Chapter Five-Trouble In Paradise**

Albus,

PAY UP, DAMN YOU!

-Minerva

* * *

Minerva McGonagall,

As your employer, I have decided that it was foolish of me to get involved with you in any way other than business. I'm sorry, but all bets are off.

Yours truly,

Albus Dumbledore

* * *

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

This is a Howler. If you have never gotten a Howler before, please do not be startled. It is a letter sent to you from somehow who either: a) hates you, b) is angry with you, c) secretly loves you but doesn't want you to know about it so they twist their emotions around until it seems like they hate you, or d) has had some bad food poisoning and is acting quite unlike themselves. Howler Inc. is not to be blamed for any loss of personal property due to: a) flames, b) loose hexes, or c) mental illness due to shock.

Have a nice day!

Your friendly Howler Incorporated

**ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, YOU OLD HAG, GET YOUR WRINKLY RUMP DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT! IF YOU THINK I AM LETTING YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU ARE COMPLETELY OFF YOUR ROCKER. YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE ME THAT MONEY, OR YOU ARE GOING TO FIND A NEW TRANSFIGURATION PROFESSOR. I HOPE YOU DIE, YOU EVIL, MANIPULATIVE, SICKLY OLD MAN!**

**MEET ME IN THE GREAT HALL NOW, OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!

* * *

**

Poppy,

Have we had an Imperius check recently?

-Albus

* * *

Albus,

Not since last December. Why?

-Poppy

* * *

Poppy,

Schedule one.

-A

* * *

Staff,

Have any of you seen Albus lately? He went down to the Great Hall to meet Minerva for one reason or another a few days ago and, well, I haven't seen him since. Or Minnie, for that matter.

What are your thoughts on this?

-Sprout

* * *

Sprout,

Perhaps we got lucky and the old coot finally croaked.

-Filch

* * *

Argus,

Has anyone ever told you that you're somewhat sadistic?

-Sprout

* * *

Sprout,

Has anyone ever told you that you're somewhat annoying?

-Filch

P.S. Stop calling me Argus!

* * *

Argus,

Has anyone ever told you that no one likes you?

-Sprout

P.S. Why? It's your name, isn't it?

* * *

Sprout,

Has anyone ever told you that _I_ don't like _you_?

-Filch

P.S. Yes, well, that's not _my_ fault.

* * *

Argus,

You're impossible.

-Sprout

P.S. No, I suppose not.

* * *

Sprout,

You're fat.

-Filch

P.S. At last, we agree on something!

* * *

Argus,

DIE.

-Sprout

P.S. I never want to agree with ANYTHING you say, you UGLY, DESPICABLE less-than-human THING!

* * *

Rubeus…

Sprout seems to have been called fat. Apparently, Filch told her this afternoon.

Poor dear. She works so hard to stay trim, but…well.

It's a shame there are no creams for that…hm.

Yes, well. Could you, dear?

-Poppy

* * *

Poppy,

I'll take care of him.

-Rubeus

P.S. Tell Sprout _I_ think she's bootiful as me ole Mum.

* * *

Sprout,

Rubeus asked me to tell he thinks you're beautiful as his Mum was.

-Poppy

* * *

Poppy,

HIS MOTHER WAS A GIANT!

* * *

Poppy,

I tied him up in the dungins by his thums.

Dumbledore was down there as well…Minerva was talking to him as he hung from his to's. Bizar cuple, them.

-Hagrid

**Hectic Correspondence of the Fairer Sex of the Teenage Sort Concerning Their Male Counterparts**

Bella,

This whole Lily-Evans-Is-Finally-Dating-James-Potter thing is a problem.

A _real_ problem.

-Lily

* * *

L.E.,

Can't see why.

-Bella

* * *

Bella,

Well, for one, because we're not, in fact, dating. Secondly, I hate him! I do not want to date someone that I hate! And finally, since we are not actually dating, I don't even get any benefits!

Not that I, you know, want the benefits of dating James Potter.

But still.

-Lily

* * *

Lee,

-wise nod-. So, basically, if you have to date him, you want to at LEAST be allowed the right to get into his pants?

-Bella

* * *

Bella,

What? No! I never said that! I just meant – I do _not_ – James Potter is just – how _dare_ – damn you!

-Lily

P.S. And stop calling me 'Lee'!

* * *

Alice,

Do we have a checklist?

-Bella

* * *

Bella,

No, why? Should we have one? What for?

-Al

* * *

Al,

Our James Potter Plan, of course.

She has admitted that she wants some JP action. Check it off the list.

-Bella

* * *

Bella,

So, ignoring the fact that there is, in fact, no list, I have officially checked it off.

-Alice

* * *

Lee,

Do you think that perhaps the reason you "hate" James so much is because you are, in fact, in love with him?

-Alice

* * *

Alice,

No.

-Lily

* * *

Lee,

It was worth a try.

-Al

* * *

Ally,

Why are you suddenly so intent on getting me to date Potter? What has he offered you in payment?

-"Lee"

* * *

Lily,

Of course he hasn't offered me payment! He just genuinely cares for you.

That doesn't happen often, you know. You should take advantage of it.

-Alice

**P.S. And by "take advantage"…you know what she means.**

P.P.S. That is _not_ what I meant!

**P.P.P.S. It is and you know it.**

P.P.P.P.S. It is NOT!

* * *

Bella, Alice,

It doesn't matter what she meant, because I am doing neither. Kapeesh?

-Lily

* * *

Slag Supreme,

_Get your claws out of James Potter_. He's _mine_. I'm warning you! Release him from whatever love potion you used before I am forced into action!

-Worst Ever Enemy

* * *

Worst Ever Enemy,

You do know that your initials are 'wee', right?

-Lily Evans (Head Girl)

* * *

Ms Black, Mr Snape,

I would like to eliminate Lily Evans. I need her either a) dead, b) rendered a vegetable in St. Mungos, or c) destroyed in some other way. Can you help me?

-Anonymous

P.S. I have pictures, if you need them for said destruction. And I am able to be in her presence without her ever suspecting.

* * *

Anonymous,

What's in it for us?

Yours truly,

B. Black and S. Snape

* * *

Ms Black, Mr Snape,

Well, for one, the untimely end of the Head Girl, leaving the position open for a Slytherin to corrupt.

And there is also, of course, the matter of the picture I have of the two of you snogging the lips off of one another when you, Ms Black, are betrothed to Rodolphus Lestrange and Mr Snape has sworn himself to celibacy after that incident with the Hufflepuff.

Yours _truly_,

Dora Olga Ingrid Tiffany Orchid Rita Daphne Ilsy Elaine

* * *

Sevvie,

You DO realise that Anonymous' "name" has the initials 'D.O. I.T. O.R. D.I.E.?"

-Trixxie

P.S. …Incident with the Hufflepuff?

* * *

Trix,

Do we believe she has the powers that she says she has?

THERE WAS SOMETHING IN THE PUNCH! DO NOT SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!

-Severus

* * *

Sev,

Touchy, touchy…

Well, she got that picture, didn't she? (And isn't it a bit creepy that she has nothing better to do than watch us snog?)

-Trix

* * *

Dora Olga Ingrid Tiffany Orchid Rita Daphne Ilsy Elaine,

All right, all right. Bellatrix and Severus, at your service. What do you propose we do?

-B&S

* * *

Bellatrix, Severus,

Have you ever heard of '_Witch Weekly_'? I happen to be in contact with the editor. Perhaps we can submit an article…

Yours truly,

Do it or die.

* * *

**Correspondence of Four Boys, Most Of Them Completely Drunk In Celebration Of The Reunion With Their Female Counterparts**

Reeeeeeeeeeeemus,

Hah. Hah. Did you know? Your name? Rhymes with peeeeeeeeeeenis.

Respect, man. That's all I'm asking is just a little candy from the store.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeenis. Hahaha!

-JAMES. Like THAMES only with a J. Hahahahaha!

* * *

SIRIUS!

I have FUNNY NEWS! Your name … is a CONSTIPATION! Hahahahaha! …Wait. No. It's not that. It's con…const…constant…constell…

PEANUT! PEANUT BUTTER! And jeeeeeeeeelly.

We're getting to go see ALICE and LILY and ARABELLA tomorrow. Did you know, James has a CRUSH ON LILY! Isn't that FUNNY? I almost wet…oops. I DID wet my pants! Hahahahaha!

I have a crush on Alice. She has a crush on me, too. We made LOVE in SICILY!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

-Remus, which sounds like PENIS. Hahahaha.

* * *

…Remus?

Did you break into your Mum's liquor cabinet again?

-Sirius

* * *

James,

Go pass out, will you?

-Sirius

* * *

Peter,

Both Remus and Peter are completely pissed. James is laughing hysterically to himself about one thing or another, and Remus is going on drunkenly about shagging Alice.

Yeesh.

-Sirius

* * *

Siri,

On the bright side, now we know what happened in Sicily.

I think I might have a shot of alcohol myself, to tell you the truth. It's a Tuesday. Tuesdays are not so good in the Pettigrew household.

-Pete

* * *

Peter,

Why? What's wrong with Tuesdays? There are TWO OF THEM, you know. Why isn't it spelled TWOSday?

HAHAHAHA.

-THAMES.

* * *

James, Sirius,

It's the day Dad left. Mum usually gets totally pissed and throws things. If I'm sloshed as well, maybe she'll direct her objects at _other_ people. Like our neighbour, Ms Bentley. Crackpot old freak.

-Pete

* * *

Peter,

Do you need us to come and retrieve you?

-J&S

(Mostly S., asJ is almost passed out by now.)

* * *

Peter,

Are you there? Pete?

-S

* * *

Peter, this is not funny anymore. Why aren't you replying?

* * *

Pete! ANSWER ME!

* * *

SIRIGLBIKJASDF,

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm drunk. It's a nice feeling, with the alcohol all sloshing around in my tummy. If I rub it one way, it follows my hand! If I rub it the other way, round it goes! Hahaha, that's funny.

Wow, my Mum can lift crutches. I mean, clusters. I mean … corch. Cowch.

-Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Ter.

* * *

Pete,

Sober up, bud.

-S (Is that J, slowly waking?)

* * *

SIRIUS. JAMES.

WHY IS NO ONE REPLYING TO ME? DID YOU NOT HEAR ME TELL YOU THAT I SHAGGED ALICE CALLAHAN?

BUT FRANK LIKES HER! HAHAHAHAHA! AND IF HE EVER KNEW, HE'D HAAAAAATE ME. HAHHAHAHA!

-Remuuuuuuuuuuuus.

* * *

Dear world,  
Why am I the only sober one? I mean, me? Usually I'm the first one to get sloshed.

Should I? Should I just let them fend for themselves? Should I give in to the temptation?

I try so hard to be good! –sob- …But not really. Firewhiskey it is, then.

Thanks for all your help!

Sirius Black.

* * *

Sirius,

This is me hating hangovers.

Uuuuuuungh.

-James

* * *

James,

This is me saying HA. HA. HA.

But I won't really, because loud noises hurt me.

-Sirius

* * *

Marauders,

I think my feelings sum up how all of us are feeling:

Ow.

This is our punishment, you know, for drinking. Does ANYONE remember what happened last night?

-Remus

* * *

Remmy,

Yeah. You confessed to having shagged Alice Callahan.

Your helpy-helperton,

Pete

* * *

Pete,

Uh…did I? That was probably just drunken ramblings. I don't ever remember anything with Alice. I think I would, haha.

So, it's not true.

-Remus

* * *

James, Sirius,

Read the attached.

He's a terrible liar.

-Pete

P.S. So I wonder how they'll act when we meet up with the girls in Diagon Alley?

* * *

Alice,

Uhm…so, I may or may not have told the boys about our 'relationship' in Sicily in a drunken babble.

What did you have for breakfast, dear?

-Remus

* * *

Remus,

…_What_? You don't get drunk! Why were you drunk!

-Alice

* * *

Al,

I cracked under pressure! I knew I was going to be seeing you around the other Marauders and…I don't take that sort of pressure well!

-Remus

* * *

Sirius, James, Peter,

Mention a word of what Remus told you to ANYONE and I will get Lily to rip out your spleens and Arabella to…well, shag you to death.

It's an end much less pleasurable than it sounds. Got it?

Sincerely,

Alice

* * *

Sirius,

She's a bit scary, you know?

-James

* * *

James,

Yeah, sure. So, I was wondering – up, or down? In, or out? Brushed, or shaggy?

* * *

…I am not going to comment on the bizarre, scarring mental images that just went through my head.

* * *

My _hair_, Prongs. My hair.

* * *

Hair. Right.

I'd go for the shaggy look. It really accentuates your eyes, especially when you do the wispy thing around the edges.

* * *

…If I didn't know that you were firmly in love with Evans, I'd think you were gay, Prongs. I really would.

* * *

Yeah, well, if I hadn't walked in on you in the shower that one time, I'd think you were a woman, Padfoot. So I guess we're even.

**Correspondence Between Two Opposing Forces…Or Are They?**

Lily,

So, have you heard about Remus and Alice?

-James

* * *

James,

If you are referring to the their little liaison in Sicily, then yes. I would have to say I have.

-Lily

* * *

Lily,

I'm under the impression that you don't like me very much. And while I am trying to rectify that, I'm having some trouble – namely, you.

-James

* * *

Potter,

I have been stating, insinuating, yelling, and flat-out telling you that I hate you for the past three and a half years. It is only _now_ getting through to you that I don't like you?

-Evans

* * *

E,

We're back to being 'Evans' and 'Potter' again?

All I meant was that I thought we were taking a step forward – you know, the whole 'friends' thing?

-P

* * *

Potter,

Yes. Well.

We weren't.

-Evans

* * *

Evans,

Fine!

-Potter

* * *

Potter,

Fine!

-Evans

* * *

Evans,

Good! I'm glad we're all out in the open, then!

-James

* * *

James,

Yeah? Well, I am too, then!

And tell your damnable owl to stop _pecking me_!

-Lily

* * *

Lily,

Merlin's beard! Are you all right? Afro's quite temperamental on the best of days … he didn't hurt you, did he?

-James

* * *

James,

No, I'm all right. Just a little…well…finger-less, actually. But it's nothing a bit of magic can't fix.

-Lils

* * *

Lil,

FINGER-LESS! AFRO BIT OFF YOUR _FINGER_!

Damn bird! I swear, as soon as he gets back from delivering this letter I am going to castrate him so fast he won't be able to see the scissors!

I am so, _so_ sorry, Lils.

-A distraught James

* * *

Jamie,

It's all right, really. I just flicked it back on. (It's handy, being able to do magic outside of school!)

Aw, don't hurt poor Afro. He didn't mean anything by it, really. He's being quite nice, now.

I don't suppose your owl can read?

-Lils

* * *

Lils,

Not as far as I know…

Afro? Can you read this? If you can, GENTLY peck Lil's temple. Like, kiss-peck it.

-Jamie

* * *

Jamie,

Holy. Mother. Of. Pearl.

Your owl is a genius! He did just as you said! HE'S BRILLIANT! Is he a mix of some other animal, perhaps? Afro, what else can you do?

-Lils

* * *

_James,_

_It is unbearably hard to write with my feet, but I'll try._

_I am not an owl. I am a prince, trapped inside an owl's body. The only way to free me and turn me back into a person is if my one true love kisses me._

_Or, at least, someone very pretty with green eyes and red hair._

_Yours truly,_

_Aphrodite _

_P.S. WHY did you give me a GIRL'S name! I'm a MALE, thankyou very much!_

* * *

Lils,

Did you read that! It's amazing! I have a princely owl!

-Jamie

* * *

Jamie,

Should I kiss him? See if he turns into a prince? It's worth a try, perhaps.

Here goes nothing…

-Lils

* * *

_Lily, James,_

_HAHAHAHA! YOU'VE BEEN HAD!_

_I'm just a very clever owl – not a prince at all! But I still managed to snag a kiss from Lily Evans, who hasn't kissed ANYBODY since she was four!_

_Take THAT, Jamesie-poo! I got some before you did AND I'M AN ANIMAL!_

_-Aphrodite

* * *

_

James,

Why does it not surprise me that you have a perverted owl?

Oh – I had better get going if I'm going to be on time in Diagon Alley… see you soon!

-Lils

* * *

**Correspondence Between Two Manipulative Owls…**

_Herpes,_

_Plan A) Injure Lily and cause James to come to her rescue…didn't work. She can do magic outside of school now. (I blame you for over-looking this fact! Incompetent dolt!)_

_Plan B) Cause James to go mad with jealousy…failed. Utterly._

_I don't know why, as I'm a devilishly attractive owl. But that's all right, because Plan C) Get everyone into a huge argument except for Lily and James, therefore forcing them to work together… is in progress!_

_Any news on who is Head Boy?_

_-Prince Aphrodite

* * *

_

Afro,

Hey. Never blame anything on an owl named after a genital disease. Strange things tend to happen, and I'm not talking about that time when your entire left side turned pink.

James is Head Boy. I intercepted Fawkes with the message. How long do you want me to wait before I deliver it?

I will plant a letter to Frank from Alice in Remus' room…and I'll also contact Saline to get her to "accidentally" drop off a letter from Arabella to Sirius saying how she's always thought his hair was horrid – while at the same time DIE PETUNIA will leave a letter in Bella's room detailing how Peter blames her because (guess what!) her mother dated his (ex)father and he thinks it's her fault she left. Finally, it's your job to plant the letter from Sirius to James, saying Arabella is a bad influence on Alice and Lily.

I'll contact Hercules and Pipsqueak about planting Sirius' letter to Peter and Peter's letter to Remus. Remus and Peter can "write" their letters together.

Now the only problem is…how do we make the handwriting not look like owl scratch?

-Herps.

* * *

_Herpes,_

_How many times have I told you to address me with my proper title? You overstep your station, sir!_

_I will take care of the handwriting._

_-PRINCE APHRODITE.

* * *

_

Affie,

Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. Whatever happened to respecting your elders, youngun?

Plan C … COMMENCE!

…**Who Are About To Cause A Lot Of Trouble**

Remus,

I found this in Alice's desk drawer…

"Frank,

I'd _love_ to meet up with you next week! I'm so flattered you asked! The truth is, I've always kind of fancied you, too – and that night together was beyond my wildest dreams.

We have to keep this meeting secret, though…I'm sort of seeing someone, but you are more important to me than he ever was.

All my love,

Alice Callahan"

Sorry, bud.

-Bella

* * *

Lily,

So, did you notice how _horrible_ Sirius' hair looked today? Honestly, does he _ever_ wash it? In my opinion, no matter what the boy does, he just can't get it right! It's always been a little off…and the colour? UGH. Who likes BLACK these days? It's just so … Snape-like! I mean, they're like twins!

-Arabella Figg

* * *

Remus,

I am so angry at Arabella Figg! Her stupid mother ruined my mother's marriage…and my life! I have never done _anything_ to her, and yet she lets her slag of a mother date my father and cause him to leave my family! Does she KNOW what it's done to my mother? Does she even care? She's so uncaring about anyone but herself!

-Peter Pettigrew

* * *

James,

I'm really getting worried about Alice and Lily. They are such good, moral girls, but with all the time they spend around Arabella Figg…well. She's not a good influence on them at ALL. Even Alice says it. She says she's had enough of Figg's unhealthy dating – she says she hates being around her because it's corrupting her innocent mind. I think it would be in everyone's best interest if we sort of…weaned her out of their friendship. Sure, she'd be alone and lonely (because how would she get any friends?) but it would best for US. And Lily, of course. Don't you care about Lily?

-Sirius Black

* * *

Sirius,

Your hair is ugly and so is your FACE!

-Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew

* * *

Remus,

The fact that you're a werewolf always weirded me out, freak.

-Sirius Black

* * *

Peter,

You're fat and talent-less. Thought you ought to know.

-Sirius Black

* * *

**Author's Note:** Bwahahahahahahahaha.


	6. Trouble in Paradise, Part 2

**Author's Notes:** Simply because I can. –grin-

**Chapter Six-Trouble In Paradise, Part Two**

Minerva,

All right! Fine! Take your stupid money!

But you'd better be a _brilliant_ Transfiguration professor this year – you are more expendable than you think!

-Albus

Aw, Albie,

Don't be so angry. A little humility never hurt anyone.

-Minnie

Minerva McGonagall:

This is a Snub. A Snub is a letter from someone who doesn't want to take the time out of their busy life to write someone like _you_. This person is either A) genuinely busy, B) angry with you, or C) never liked you anyway. This person wants you to either A) die, B) hide your face from the world forever but is too nice to say it, or C) move to a foreign communist country where communication with the outside world is strictly prohibited.

Have a nice day!

The Snub Club

Albus,

…Die.

-Minerva

All Staff:

I! HAVE! GUM! We're going to have a GUM party in the Great Hall!

But you're not invited, _Pomfry._

-Argie Wargy Fargy

Staff,

Uh-oh. Who gave him a Pepper-Up? You _know_ he reacts badly to them!

-Albus

Albus,

…Guilty.

-Sprout

Albus,

Guilty as charged.

-Henry McKinnon

Albus,

Well…it was only ONE, after all!

-Flitwick

Albus,

My Inner Eye told me it would be for the best. What can I say?

-Myrtle

Albus,

I hoped he would choke on it. Unfortunately, I forgot that one cannot choke on liquid. I wish I had poisoned it.

-Poppy

**And When I Say Trouble…**

Callahan,

Due to unexpected circumstances (namely, the fact that you are a liar and a cheater and I never want to see you again), I feel that we should end our relationship.

Stay away from me – _and_ my friends.

-Remus Lupin

P.S. Thank Arabella for showing me the TRUTH about you.

Figg,

What you said about my hair really, really hurt. It's sensitive, and so am I.

That said, I hope you die. I hope I never see your ugly mug again.

Keep. Away. From. Me.

-Sirius Black

Pettigrew,

You're pathetic if you are going around spreading rumours about people's mothers! My mother has never dated a married man (that she knew about), and unfortunately for you, it means that your dad just found that there are better things in this world than his pathetic, gossiping son!

-Arabella Figg (Jr.)

Black,

Die, you hypocrite! Accusing _me_ of being immoral! Look at _you_! I may have slept with 98.8 of Hogwarts male population, but _you've_ slept with 98.6 of the female … and there are twice as many females as males! So how _dare_ you accuse me of being a bad influence! Think of that pathetic excuse of a wizard, Pettigrew, and quiet, evil, heartbreaking Lupin! Think about yourself before you judge others!

-Figg Jr

Pettigrew, Lupin,

LOOK IN THE MIRROR!

-Black

Black,

I hope I bite you next time I transform.

-Lupin

Black,

You've always been arrogant and snotty – just like the Black family. I should have known that it was all an act…stuck-up wanker!

And, by the way, you're hair looks like a racoon crapped on your head!

-Pettigrew

Lupin, Pettigrew, James,

THE MARAUDERS ARE OVER! YOU HEAR ME? OVER! I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO ANY OF YOU AGAIN! (Except you, James.)

-Black

Callahan,

Think I'm a bad _influence_, do you? Think I'm corrupting your "innocent mind", _do you_! Well, FINE! If you don't want to be my friend, then I DON'T WANT TO BE YOURS, EITHER!

-Figg

**Correspondence Between Two Irate, Bull-Headed Females**

Figg,

What are you TALKING about?

And why did you tell Remus that I was dating Frank? He broke up with me because of you!

-Callahan

Callahan,

Like you don't know! Sirius told me ALL about it in his little "letter"! And you know what? I don't think it's right for you to be accusing _ME_ of corrupting you when you had some SERIOUS Remus Lupin during the hols! Unless you're blaming me for that, too?

Because of ME? There you go, blaming me for things that are YOUR OWN FAULT!

-Figg!

Figg,

SIRIUS told you! SIRIUS? You're taking HIS word over MINE?

MY own fault! You LIED TO REMUS! Why would you DO that? Did you WANT us to break up, or something!

…YOU LIKE REMUS! That's why you did it! You couldn't STAND that I had something you didn't, so you split us up! Well, newsflash, honey: he DOESN'T LIKE YOU THAT WAY. Why did you have to mess up a good thing?

-Callahan

Callahan,

Well, aside from the fact that I am now furious at both Remus AND Sirius, WHAT are you TALKING about? I could never like Remus that way, because he's too quiet and moral-y! Besides HE'S A WEREWOLF! And I'M ALLERGIC TO DOGS!

-Figg

Figg,

Oh, sure, lie about REMUS to make YOURSELF feel better. Way to SUCK.

-Callahan

Callahan,

I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU EVER AGAIN!

-Figg

Figg,

Took the words right out of my mouth! Our friendship is ANULLED!

-Callahan

**Correspondence Between A Woeful Werewolf, A Blustering Black, And a Prideful Pettigrew**

Black, Lupin,

I must say, I thought you were nobler men! Pretending to be my friends for all these years, and then suddenly deciding not to be? Based on _what_? Am I not _good_ enough for you!

-Pettigrew

Pettigrew,

No, actually. You're NOT.

And my hair DOES NOT LOOK LIKE RACOON TURDS!

-Black

Peter,

What's all this? What have I done to YOU? Why are you accusing me of all this?

-Remus

Lupin,

Oh, don't play innocent with me, wolf-boy.

-Pettigrew

Pettigrew,

Fine, you backstabbing, taciturn, dim-witted, unsightly, maladroit WORM!

-Lupin

Lupin,

Oh YEAH? Well you're just a rambling, pretentious, loquacious, pompous, bombastic, effusive, garrulous, longwinded, prolix NERD!

And that ALL MEANS THE SAME THING!

-Pettigrew

Pettigrew,

Yeah, and how long did it take you to look all those long words up?

-Lupin

Lupin,

I am just writing to tell you…I hate you.

-Black

Black,

I am just writing to tell you…I don't care. And I return the sentiments! Stay out of my life, you swindler! I never want to be affiliated with you in this lifetime OR THE NEXT!

-Lupin

Lupin,

STOP SHOWING OFF YOUR BIG VOCABULARY, YOU SMUG DOG!

-Pettigrew and Black

(Who still hate one another but are willing to work together in order to insult YOU.)

Pettigrew, Black,

DIE.

-Lupin

**The Correspondence Extends From Prideful Pettigrew to Sinful Snape and Traitorous Trix**

Snivellus,

It will surprise to you to get this letter.

The Marauders are over. We have "broken up", you might say. I recently went through some extremely difficult times, and my so-called "friends" did nothing but kick me while I was down. I hate the fact that they could just abandon me like this!

Well, damnit, I can do it, too!

Are you going to prank them? Is there anything I can help with, to extract my revenge?

-Peter Pettigrew

(Wormtail)

Bellatrix,

I have just received a _most_ interesting owl. Apparently, the Marauders have had a little falling-out, and one Mr Pettigrew is _very_ upset about it. So upset, in fact, that he is willing to "help with anything to extract his revenge".

What say you?

-SeverUS

Sev,

Give in. I will ALWAYS call you 'Sev' for the rest of my life. Deal with it. Give in to the power of my words…

Hey, if the snivelling rat wants to turn sides, by all means let him. I could care less, except that it's one more for my cause.

Speaking of Causes…how bad _was_ this falling out? Do you think we could convince him to become loyal to Our Lord? If so, I would contact Lucius.

-Trix

Pettigrew,

How far are you willing to go to get revenge? I have it on good authority that the Dark Lord would be most eager for your services…if you're willing.

Sincerely,

Lucius Malfoy

Malfoy,

…Uhm. That wasn't quite what I meant by 'revenge'. But thanks for the offer.

-Peter

Pettigrew,

Isn't that a shame? My Master will be _so_ disappointed…you live with your mother, I believe? Just _how much_ does she mean to you?

Think about it, Wormy.

-Lucius

Malfoy,

Okay, so, we could just pretend I never wrote any letter at all, eh? Just pretend like I'm still buddy-buddy with the rest of the lads. Thanks for the offer but…no thanks.

And leave my Mum alone!

-Pettigrew

P.S. And it's WormTAIL. Get it right, if you HAVE to use it.

Wormtail, how very fitting,

I don't think you understand me.

You _will_ join my Lord, or your mother _will_ die. I understand how close you still feel to that big-head James Potter. Wouldn't it just be a _shame_ if he were to, say, be murdered in his sleep?

-The Illustrious Lucius Malfoy

Malfoy,

I swear by Merlin's beard, if you touch _any of them_, I will hunt you down and rip your heart out.

With. My. Bare. Hands.

Got that?

Convey my _thanks_ to your Lord. But _no._

-Peter

Bellatrix,

How the _hell_ do I get the fool to convert?

-Lucius

Lucius,

His father left early this year…wouldn't it be a shame if, by some strange coincidence, he died right outside Pettigrew's house, thereby driving his mother past the brink of sanity and forcing Pettigrew to live with his drunken uncle?

I think it would be just a terrible, terrible shame.

-Trix

Pettigrew,

Read the attached.

I can. And I _will._ Meet me outside your house in an hour, and I will take you to meet my Lord.

-Lucius

Malfoy,

…I don't suppose it matters to you that I'm a devout Catholic?

And if I join, does that mean you won't touch any of my "friends"? Or my mum? …Or my Dad?

-Pettigrew

Peter,

I won't lay a hand on them.

-Lucius

Trixxie,

Read the attached. Fool. Just because I promised that _I_ won't…

People are so terribly _stupid_ nowadays, Trix. It depresses me.

-Lucius

**Correspondence Between Two Forces Brought Together By Fate…Or, At Least, A Transvestite Prince and An Owl Named Herpes**

Lily,

WHAT is going on? Has the whole world gone CRAZY? None of my friends are talking to each other – or to _your_ friends. Do you have any idea what happened? I thought we all had fun yesterday!

-James

James,

I have no idea. Suddenly everyone is sour at everyone…although it appears that you and I have escaped it. All I know is that, apparently, Bella broke up Alice and Remus for one reason or another, and Alice said that Bella was corrupting us because she's…well…she's not very…conservative.

And now they aren't speaking.

At the same time, apparently Remus is a 'lying…liar', and an 'untrusting bastard'. Sirius is basically just an 'arrogant jerk', and Peter is an 'ungrateful git'.

And that's _just_ from what I _overhear_.

What about you?

-Lily

Lils,

Well, the Marauders are no more. Sirius isn't speaking to either Remus _or_ Peter, and vice versa. Remus and Peter aren't speaking, either.

But for some reason…everyone's speaking to me.

What do we do?

-James

James,

We could…lock them in a closet and let them battle it out.

-Lee

Lee (I like that),

Uhm. I think that might leave us with five dead bodies, and I'm not prepared to explain that to the MoM.

Any other ideas?

-James

James,

This is so complicated! Everyone thinks that they did nothing wrong, while everyone else thinks that they did, and…it's so confusing! But where did all the confusion _come from_? It seems a bit too weird that this should all happen at once to be a coincidence.

-Lily

_Herpes,_

_She suspects! What do we do? WHAT DO WE DO!_

_-Prince Aphrodite_

Lily,

It _does_ seem a bit suspicious. Maybe someone thought it would be funny to get us all angry at one another and then, well, throw us into a closet and have us battle it out.

Snivellus!

-James

James,

Stop blaming everything on poor Snape. He's just a greasy git. An embittered greasy git with a big nose and ugly…

Er. That is. You know. Be nice.

But who could possibly want to hurt everyone like this?

-Lee

Lils,

Um. I know he's just a bitter, ugly git with an attitude problem and a hatred for all things good and beautiful, but I'm sticking with my first suspect.

Snape.

It makes sense, you know. He hates me, therefore he hates you, therefore he hates everyone around us. It all adds up.

-James

Afro,

Keep your feathers on. James is steering her nicely away from us.

Besides, who'd suspect a couple of OWLS?

-Herpes

James,

Well, without concrete evidence we can't just go _attack_ him. What if he's innocent?

I think we should just try to sort this out ourselves. And if it happens again, well…I'll give up on life, curl into a corner, and die.

-Lily

Lils,

I'll be your blanket.

…In a totally non-sexual way.

-James

James,

…Yeah. Right. A totally non-sexual way. Got it. I didn't think it was, you know. I mean, it's not like I _wanted_ to read into that. So I didn't. You know. And stuff. Right. Yeah.

So! Friends! We need to fix our friends.

-Lily

Lily,

…Right. You're a bit loopy, you know?

I'll work mine if you'll work yours.

-James

James,

Wha – I mean, how did you – where do you want – that is to say –

What?

-L.E.

Lily,

I totally didn't mean that in a sexual way. I just reread what I wrote and – well. I mean. You know. And then…I mean, it's…we definitely won't…do thinks like _that._

Not that I don't want to, you're gorgeous. I mean, I don't want to! Not that I don't think you're, you know, good enough or anything, 'cause I'm sure you'll be great…not that I've been thinking about it or anything. Just, you know –

Damn.

James,

It's all right. I get it.

Good luck with the Marauders!

-Lily

Lils,

Can I have a kiss for good luck?

-James

James,

We're not that close.

But good try.

-Lily


	7. Desperate Correspondance

**Desperate Correspondence**

_Because thirteen pages_

_Is certainly long enough._

Alice,

So…why aren't you speaking to Bella, again?

-Lily

Lily,

Because she's a heartless wretch. A bastard-ette, if you will. I feel like there's a word to describe her that I just haven't spewed off, yet…

Oh, yes.

She's the scum of the earth.

-Alice

P.S. And a liar.

P.P.S. And mean.

P.P.P.S. And arrogant.

P.P.P.P.S. And ungrateful.

P.P.P.P.P.S. And – well. You get the idea.

Alice,

Right. Got it.

You know what she said about _you_?

Because she's a hypocrite. And untrusting. And not willing to accept responsibility for her mistakes. And a liar. And mean. And arrogant. And ungrateful. And – well. You get the idea.

…Come on, Ally. She's your _best friend._ How can you turn your back on that?

-Lily

Lily,

I'm sorry, but she's really gone too far this time. She broke up me and Remus, Lils. That deserves…well…I don't know, but I suspect it involves a meat grinder and screams of pain.

-Al

P.S. Tell Figg to go to the blazes – she's a hypocrite, too!

James,

You know, some days I feel like taking a very big fly-swatter and hitting people over the head with it. Afterwards, I might take their bloodied, squished remains and put them on the stove to burn.

It's been one of _those_ days.

How has _your_ success gone?

-Lily

**Desperate Correspondence, Part 2**

Remus,

Please, _please_ forgive Sirius. And Peter. For whatever they've done.

-James

James,

No.

-Rem

Sirius,

Stop being a prat and forgive. I don't know what happened except that it was a MISTAKE and they're SORRY and…please, please, stop being yourself and be someone else for a bit.

Someone nice. And forgiving. Like…Ghandi.

-James

James,

Aw. Good idea!

Go to hell.

What's for dinner?

-Sirius

Peter,

You're my last hope. Please forgive them? Please? I miss you. I miss the Marauders!

-James

P.S. How's your Mum?

Prongs,

My Mum's fine. I…we're fine. Ish. I had a bizarre visitation from Lucius Malfoy the other day…and, James? I'm sorry. I'm just…sorry.

-Wormtail

Wormtail,

What? What's the matter? Are you all right? Your letter was a bit … disjointed.

-Prongs

Prongs,

What? Me? Oh, I'm _fine_! Fine, fine, fine. Fine and _dandy_! Like that old American phrase goes, you know the one…I'm fine like _that_!

And no. I will not forgive anybody for anything.

-The Worm

Lily,

I wonder which would hurt more: your way of death, or suffocation by one's own spleen?

This…is a bit messy.

-James

**Writings of a Madman**

Gum…Gum…Gum…someone slipped something into my punch, I think, because I feel tingly and happy all over…I haven't felt this way since Mummy bought me a puppy…horrible end, that puppy came to…yes…it was smooshed by a giant cockroach…ahhhh! Get it away! Get it away!

Strange things are happening the castle. Strange and frightening things. People are…happy…everywhere…people are smiling at me… Poppy winked…Poppy…I love Poppy…I love Poppy…I love Poppy…I should go back to stalking her, yes…but she didn't seem to like it last time…but I know she secretly did…yes…her hatred is just ill-disguised love…I know it…

Where is Mrs Norris? Where is Mrs Norris? Eating? Are you eating, my pet?

Gum…Gum…Gum…

**Correspondence Concerning Pepper-Up And Cat-Language**

Poppy…

My love…meet me outside the Hospital Wing…and we shall fly into eternal bliss…

-Your True Love

Filch,

Not AGAIN. Will you STOP that?

I have _got_ to stop poisoning you. It does things to your health.

-Pomfry

Poppy seed…

I could be your hero, baby…I could kiss away your pain…We could feel like this forever…

GUMGUMGUMGUMGUMGUM.

Teehee.

-YTL

Albus,

The Pepper-Up has effected his brain. He's back to stalking me. I thought you said you'd taken care of this!

-Poppy

Poppy,

Oh, I have. Just make hissing noises and he should go away. He responds best to: _hiss hiss rawr meow hiss._

-Albus

Albus,

Oh, my God! It worked like a charm! How did you know what to 'say' to him?

-Poppy

Poppy,

Well, Minnie _is_ a cat-animagus, isn't she? You just told him that he gave other cats about as much pleasure as humping a brick. It is, apparently, the highest insult you can say. Which is probably why he left so quickly.

-Albus

Albus,

…Ouch.

-Poppy

**Messy Correspondence**

Lily,

Would you like to go out with me?

-James

James,

No.

-L.E.

Lee,

Damn.

…So, I've changed my mind. I am now up for locking them in a closet together and having them duel it off. I mean, at best they all make up and be happy again. And at worse, we…

Well, we lose all our friends.

But still.

-J

James,

I think what we have to do is find out who planted the letters. It's simple, really; there are only a few owls that could have actually delivered them, and those owls are ours. So unless it was one of us…

And we could always just look at the handwritings. Isn't there a spell for that? If there is, take the letters from Sirius and see what you can do.

-Lily

Lily,

But why would someone want to start a huge fight? And if they did, why would they include themselves?

Assuming that it's neither you nor me. Which it isn't…right?

I'll look up the charm and see what I can do, but I'm not making an promises. It's not very reliable – what if the person changed their handwriting?

-James

_Herpes,_

_This is a real problem! They know it was us!_

_WHAT NOW? WHAT **NOW!**_

_-P.A._

Afro,

Keep your hypothetical pants on. All right? Everything is going to be fine. We're just stupid owls, remember…

-Herpes

James,

I don't suppose you're writing to my mother, are you?

-L

Lily,

Uh…no. Don't get me wrong, I like your mum and everything, but…

Why?

-James

J,

Well – because your owl keeps coming to my house with letters that aren't addressed to me; and because Herpes is making visits to my window and leaving with letters … that I haven't written.

Any thoughts?

-L

L,

Wouldn't it be funny if the OWLS had started this whole thing?

-J

J,

…

…

Your owl CAN write.

-L

Lil,

Oh, please. Why would an _owl_ want to do all this? I mean, it doesn't make any sense.

Unless…you don't suppose…I mean, could this be some sort of owl rebellion?

-James

Afro,

And now, my dear bird, it is time to hightail it out of here!

See you in Peru!

-Herpes

**A Brief Interlude**

"Lily?"

The redhead glanced up from her glass of butterbeer at the sound of James' voice. Her face broke into a grin. She hopped out of her chair to give him a brief hug (leaving him momentarily frozen) and then slid in once more. He took the chair across the table from her at they sat in awkward silence for a moment.

James cleared his throat. "So – ah – I just wanted to talk to you about your theory," he began. "I mean, about the owls, and the sudden disappearance of them all."

Lily swirled her butterbeer around in her glass with a spoon, and then smiled into the liquid. "It all fits, really, except _why_." She paused thoughtfully. "What we need," she mused, "Is hard evidence. Letters. Loose quills. A sacrificed goat." The raven-haired Gryffindor looked up, a startled expression on his face. Lily snorted. "I was kidding about the goat," she assured him.

"Oh." James paused for a moment, thinking. "Well – so – where would we find that sort of thing, then? Without our owls…I think the first order of business is getting them back."

Lily arched an eyebrow. "How?"

At that, James grinned and pulled several slips of parchment from his pocket and put them down. He slid half of them across the tale towards Lily. "All right, now you write down the name of four places you would go if you were on vacation."

She pulled a sceptical expression. "…You're kidding."

The boy across from her shook his head. "'Fraid not," he said cheerily, tossing her an ever-filled quill and pulling on out from his pocket for himself. He hunched over the parchment.

_Peru_, he wrote. _Italy. France. Spain._

Lily chewed her lip. Cautiously, she scribbled, _Aruba. Mexico. Peru. Rome._ When she was done, she glanced up. James was already finished, his arms crossed over his chest, and a small smile set firmly on his face. "Finished?" He asked. She nodded, and he reached over to pull her parchment back towards him. He spent several minutes comparing, and then burst into a grin. "Cheers," he decided finally, "We're going to Peru."

Lily blinked. "We – we're _going_ to Peru?" She asked in a tiny voice. "I don't think I can afford – "

"Tosh, dear. It's on me. This is a matter of vital importance and I _can't_ go alone, I'd completely fail the task. Just tell your Mum. We'll be gone for several days, but on the bright side when we get back we'll have our owls and the solution to the Argument Problem."

The redhead found herself grinning. "All right," she said finally. "I'm seventeen now, right? I can do whatever I want."

James nodded, and then stood. "Well – I'll just leave you to your – erm – "

"You could stay," Lily said before she thought about what she was doing. "I mean, if you wanted." James stared as though she had smacked him. She tried to melt into the chair. "You don't have to," she added. "I just thought…"

"No!" James cried, dropping himself back into the seat across from her. "No, I'll stay." She smiled brilliantly at him, and called Rosemerta over to order him a drink.

All Former Friends,

…Do you have any idea where Lily has been these past few days?

For that matter, do any of you have Herpes?

-Callahan

Callahan,

No. Have you seen James?

And no, we're all completely safe. Why do you ask?

-Formerly Known As Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot

Formerly Known As Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot,

I mean my owl! My _owl's_ name is Herpes!

And no. I haven't seen James. Hmm…

-Callahan

Lupin,

She named her _owl_ after a _genital disease?_ You have strange tastes.

-Pettigrew

**Correspondence Between A Future Husband And His Wife**

Alice,

I heard you were fighting with your friends. I'm sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here.

-Frank

Frank,

I'm so glad you wrote me! The truth of it is, I was dating Remus. I mean, Lupin. And then Arabella tells him that I was cheating on him, which I WASN'T! Only, she denies saying it and says that I said awful things about her to Sirius, which of course I would never do, and … and now we're all fighting with one another and I'm so confused but at the same time MAD because I DID NOT CHEAT ON REMUS!

I MEAN LUPIN!

Thanks for listening.

-Alice

Alice,

Erm. Well. Thanks for the update.

Haven't you thought that it was all just one, big misunderstanding? Have you talked to Lily about it?

-Frank

Frank,

No, Lily is missing. We're all very confused as to where she and James are.

I considered the misunderstanding thing, but … the letter was pretty clear.

-Alice

Alice,

You don't think anything's happened to them, do you? I mean, it's pretty dangerous out here, what with the Death Eaters and everything…

-Frank

**Correspondence Between A Chain Of Highly Sensitive Teenagers, In Which Misunderstandings Lead To Global Panic**

Arabella,

Bella, I miss you. I don't know why you did what you did, or why you're mad at me for something I'm sure I never said, but I hate that we're fighting and now Lily's gone missing and maybe she's been kidnapped and eaten by Death Eaters and WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!

-Alice

Alice,

LILY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED AND EATEN BY DEATH EATERS!

OH, MY SWEET MERLIN! We've got to _do_ something!

-Bella

P.S. I love you and I've missed you, too.

Bella,

She HAS been? It's a FACT?

We've got to get in contact with the former Marauders … maybe James has been taken as well!

-Alice

Alice,

JAMES IS AS WELL?

I'll write them, quick!

-Bella

Formerly Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot,

LILY AND JAMES HAVE BEEN TAKEN CAPTIVE BY THE DEATH EATERS, AND WE THINK THEY ARE GOING TO BE EATEN!

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!

-Bella and Alice

P.S. We're sorry for whatever you think we've said or done, and we forgive you for what we think you've said and done.

Bella, Alice,

WHAT! We have to FIND them!

Moony will alert Dumbledore, Sirius our classmates, and Peter will try to find out where they are. In the meantime, you two formulate a plan for rescue!

-The Marauders

Dorcas Meadows,

I have sad news. Unfortunately, Lily Evans and James Potter have been kidnapped by the Death Eaters. It is my misfortune to be the one to tell you…it's heartbreaking because what if Lily would have married Prongs and have his child!

If you could tell the rest of the school, to prevent anyone from saying anything tactless, that would I would be much obliged.

Yours most especially,

Sirius Black

Hestia,

Oh. My. Sweet. Mother. Of. Pearl.

James Potter and Lily Evans are now in the hands of Death Eaters, fighting for their lives! Sirius says that Lily married James and is pregnant…maybe the Death Eaters want it because it is the only one who could ever defeat You-Know-Who!

Alert everyone…

Sadly,

Dorcas

Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Slytherins:

I have horrible news. Lily and James Potter (they were married over the summer) have been taken by the Death Eaters. Their child, with whom Lily is pregnant, is the only one who can defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, which is why they were taken.

If you could please be careful around his friends, as they are still in mourning…that means you, Slytherins. If you reduce anyone to tears, I'll personally hex you into next Tuesday. Got it?

-Hestia Jones

Albus,

Have you gotten the news? Lily married James over the summer and is pregnant with his child…apparently he is the only one who can defeat the Dark Lord! Have you heard anything of this?

-Minerva

Min,

No…that's very concerning, oh yes.

But you know what else is concerning? I can't find ANY of my lemon drops…

-Albus

_Meanwhile…_

Sybil,

My daughter, the Inner Eye has told me that a child is going to be born to defeat the Dark Lord…I do not know when, however. Keep that in mind during your job interviews next year.

-Mum

_Back home…_

Lucius,

You said you wouldn't touch them!

-Pettigrew

Pettigrew,

Who? What are you talking about, idiot boy?

-Lucius

Lucius,

JAMES AND LILY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THEM?

-Peter

Pettigrew,

I know nothing of this. As far as I am concerned, they are at home, safe in their little beds.

-Malfoy

Trix,

What do you know about the kidnapping of Potter and Evans?

-Luci

_Your little snuggle-wumpus_

Luci,

I know nothing…I shall find out, however. Have we been left out of the loop this time?

It is an insult! An OUTRAGE!

-Trixxie

_Your Persian sex kitty_

Sev,

Have Evans and Potter been taken into custody?

-Trix

Trix,

I don't know…our Lord said something about a Mudblood, but, well, that's pretty much all he talks about anyway. Why do you ask?

-Sev

_**The Tragedy of Lily and James**_

_**By Reteesk Atir**_

_It is a sad day for the world. Lily Evans has hoodwinked us all into believing that she has married James Potter and is pregnant with his child._

_It is a lie. A LIE, I tell you, because it is I who am dating James! We have been seeing one another for several years now, although in secret. Lily is just a whore, who ---_

The editor of _Witch Weekly_ crumpled the article in disgust. "Not _another_ one," she muttered.

**_Correspondence Between Two Opposing Forces, Who Are This Close To Becoming One Not-So-Opposing Force_**

James,

How strange that we found the owls here! Although they all insist they had nothing to do with it…I guess we'll have to believe them.

It's been lovely, spending these past four and a half days with you.

-Lily

Lily,

I've had a lot of fun, too. It's too bad we have to leave today and go back to dreary ol' England. Not to mention the spats our friends are in the middle of!

-James

James,

I got the strangest post just now.

Apparently we are married, pregnant, and in the custody of Death Eaters? What do you know about this?

-Lily

Lils,

Not a thing.

Interesting concept, though. Us being together, I mean. You know. As a couple.

There are perks to that, I believe.

-James

James,

Before we go home, should we meet for lunch and discuss the theory?

-Lily

Lils,

Excellent proposition.

-James


	8. Resolutions

**A/N:** AHH! Finally finished, more than a year later!! Thanks to everyone who's stuck by this stupid story, and I hope that this is to your satisfaction!

The epilogue will be coming up in the next few days, so keep your eyes peeled.

So I guess all that's left to say us … I FINALLY FINISHED ONE!

**Chapter Seven- Resolutions**

Dear World,

James and I are perfectly safe. It was nice to come home to find my room filled with owls of people confessing how they miss me or were secretly in love with me, but, sorry to disappoint, we're alive and well.

We went on a four-day vacation to recover our lost owls. The task was pulled off marvellously and we are now home.

Thank you for all your support!

-Lily Evans (Head Girl)

James Potter (Head Boy)

Lily,

…You're…alive.

You weren't ever captured?

But…Bella said…

**Don't lie, _you_ said it first!**

No, YOU said that –

**I said MAYBE, and then YOU confirmed –**

Okay, fine. We thought you were lost forever!

**We missed you, darling. Come see us**.

-A&A

Alice, Bella,

Unfortunately, I am going to be gone for another month, so we can't meet to catch up. I'll be unreachable by owl as well…have a nice summer!

-Lily

Oh, and P.S., James and I are officially a couple.

Lily,

WHAT?!

-A&A

Dear Sender:

We're sorry, but your letter could not reach the receiver because he or she is currently unplottable.

Have a nice day.

Bella,

What do you think _this_ is revenge for?

-Al

Ally,

She's so vindictive.

-Bella

Marauders,

Glad you are all finished arguing! You will be glad to know that I have been perfectly safe the past four days, spending time with Lily on vacation. Although, Rem, I'm flattered to know that you've always been jealous of my hair. Most people are.

Anyway, I'll be unreachable for the next month, but I hope you have a nice summer!

-James

P.S. I now have every right to put my hands up Lily's shirt, as we are snogging on another whenever we meet.

In other words, she loves me! She really loves me!

Told you I'd win her over eventually.

Ta!

Remus, Peter,

…I hate him.

-Sirius

_Herpes,_

_Well, another job well done! I **told** you it would work – never had a doubt in my mind! So what now?_

_-Afro_

Afro,

Now, my good bird, we take a nice, long vacation, delivering random notes and things.

As for me, I think I'll go hunt a nice, big rat.

Yours,

Herpes

_And I think you know what happened next._

**The End.**

…**But wait. What about the staff?**

Poppy glanced around furtively. There was no one in sight. She exhaled deeply and steadied herself. She needed to be precise, perfect, if this was going to work.

She dipped her ladle in into a jar labelled "_Highly Dangerous. Do not dip your ladle in this jar"_ and poured the contents into a goblet. She added droplets of liquid from a flask labelled "_Poison. Do not add droplets of this liquid to goblets, especially if you have already added liquid from a jar labelled 'Highly dangerous. Do not dip your ladle in this jar'."_ She dipped in her wooden spoon and stirred slowly.

A gentle cackle rose in her throat. She tried to hush herself, but couldn't. "Tee hee!" She laughed, "Die, Argie! Tee hee hee!"

The lights switched on, and Poppy froze. She turned slowly.

Albus and Minerva were standing in the doorway, looking bewildered.

"Poppy?" Albus asked. "What are you doing to Argus' special goblet?"

She blinked. "Uhhh…" She glanced at the poisons on the table and inconspicuously tucked them into the back of her skirt. "Just…cleaning it?"

Minerva frowned. "But…"

Poppy reached into her robe pocket and pulled out a small, yellow candy. "Here!" She cried desperately, "Eat this!"

Albus stared at it. "Poppy," he said slowly, "Is this one of my missing lemon drops? You know Argus is allergic…"


	9. Epilogue

Short to be point of being miniscule, but … hey. You all know me – I like it that way.

Thanks so much to everyone's who's stayed with this story! You basically just … make my life. :-)

**Epilogue**

Alice, Arabella, Sirius, Remus, and Peter,

ME. HOSPITAL.

LILY. BIRTH.

I'M NOT READY TO BE A DAD!

-JP

Marauders, A & A,

PAIN! SHE'S SQUEEZING ME!

DOCTOR SAYING PUSH, BREATH, PUSH.

LILY SAYING YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU ASS-MUNCHER! YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MAN! YOU TRY BEING IN THIS POSITION! **_DO IT! DO IT NOW!_**

What does that MEAN?

-JP

Everyone,

THERE IS A LITTLE HEAD! I SEE IT! IT'S ALL…

BLOODY! IT'S BLOODY! IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE BLOODY?!?!?!

WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THAT?!

-JP

Everyone,

THERE'S MORE OF IT.

IT'S STILL BLOODY. AND IT'S CRYING. AND THEY ARE CLEANING IT AND NOW LILY IS LETTING GO OF MY HAND.

…I think she broke it.

…She did! SHE BROKE MY HAND!

-JP

Everyone,

The doctors say my hand will heal. They've given me a potion to set the bones, and also to calm my nerves. I think it is working wonderfully.

-JP

Marauders, A & A,

Good news. Lily has given birth to a beautiful, healthy little boy. We've named him Harry James.

He has the cutest little toes and fingers and a wrinkled nose and dark hair like mine but green eyes like his mum and Lily isn't yelling at me anymore.

Alice: Lily wants you to be the Godmother (she considered you, too, of course, Bella, but let's face it: you're not the most…Godmother-ish person we know.)

Sirius: You know I want you to be the Godfather. You're my best mate, mate.

Remus, Peter, Arabella: It has befallen you to be the honorary aunt uncles. In other words … babysitters!

-James


End file.
